We took Maia to a “Baby and Me” playgroup today at a local Ontario Early Years Centre, to check it out.  Originally, Chris was going to take her by himself, but I decided to go along for the first trip.  Um.  It’s safe to say that now I will be the one taking her, and he’ll hang out at home.  I’ll explain later.

There were a lot of moms and babies there, and approximately a BILLION toys.  I set Maia down on an empty spot of carpet and sat down on a chair nearby.  She didn’t even turn around and look at me or Chris, but grabbed a toy and started chowing on it.  Okay, I thought, you could totally do that at home, but whatever…

Then I realized something: Chris and I were the ONLY parents not physically hovering over our child.  Every other baby capable of sitting or moving had a parent right beside them.  I felt kind of sad when I saw this… why can’t our kids just interact with one another and their safe environment?

Anyway, Maia crawled over to a nearby baby (and her mom), and tried to take the toy out of this baby’s hands.  I’ll admit, I felt a little bad — like what, is my kid a bully or something?! — but I know that she doesn’t really have any concept of “possession” or “sharing” or whatnot, and won’t for awhile, so no big deal.  If that baby’s mom hadn’t been sitting right there, I would have let the two girls interact with one another and the toys however they decided to (as long as they didn’t try crawling on or hitting one another!) but since that wasn’t the case, I felt pressured to run over, tell Maia “No, that’s not your toy” and pull her away.

I found myself doing a lot of that — reacting to Maia despite not feeling I should, simply because other moms watched.  I finally ended up just sitting in a chair and letting Chris take care of everything.

It made me wonder if these other moms actually hover over their children THIS DAMNED MUCH when they’re at home, or if this is something they just do around other parents.  If anything, I hope it’s the latter.

Anyhow, the time came for the playgroup to draw to a close.  A worker at the centre declared, “It’s Circle Time!”  AND THEN ALL THE MOMS STOOD UP AND STARTED SINGING AND NO I AM NOT EVEN JOKING, it was even freakier than it sounds.  They sang some song about cleaning up, picking up all the toys, and Maia sat there in the centre of the carpet staring at these crazy people taking away the toys surrounding her like what the fuck is going on with these bitches?! (I mean seriously, if you had seen the perplexed look on her face, you would have laughed and laughed) while I glanced at Chris, wide-eyed and amazed.  He sheepishly bent down, took the toy from Maia’s hand (and here’s where you know she was in shock, because she didn’t even notice), and put it away.

Then all the moms gathered up their children and began forming a circle around the edge of the carpet.  I threaded between them, picked up Maia, and found a spot for us, while Chris sat in a chair nearby.

We wrote novels with our eyes.

The worker lead us through a series of exercises accompanied by songs and rhymes, and I tried so hard not to laugh while being the ONLY mom there who had no idea what was being sung, trying desperately to mimic the movements of the other parents around me.  It was as if I had stepped into some elaborately choreographed routine.  Maia was Not Happy with me wiggling her arms and legs, and kept flopping backwards to try and escape to the toys.  I can’t say I blame her.  Toys are infinitely cooler than exercising.

After everyone sang the goodbye song, we left.  Chris and I were silent as we walked out to the car and buckled Maia in.

“I was okay with everything until the goddamned singing,” I finally said.

He laughed.

“I just wish I hadn’t come along,” I continued, “because seriously? If I’d sent you two to this, you’d have come home like TATIANA YOU WILL NOT EVEN BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED and it would have been pretty much the best story ever.”

He shook his head. “No, I would have told you, ‘That was fun. Next time, you take her.’ ”

Translation: He’s never going again.

Next playgroup?  Tuesday.

I’m totally going.