Well, she’s still striking.
I feel miserable and rejected. The fact that she won’t nurse is constantly on my mind when I interact with her. I’m trying so hard not to let my frustration with it change the way I feel about myself as a mother, but failing.
Failing.
Worse than that, this stress, this ball of guilt and anger in my chest, is impacting my milk production. I sit in the nursery with her with that fucking pump attached to my chest and I WAIT, WAIT to see the bottle fill with my milk, WAIT to make a meal for her because she won’t just take it fresh from the source.
But I’m not making “enough”. I’ve pumped out only eleven ounces today. I’ve divided it up — three, four, two, two. Three for breakfast, with a bowl of cereal. Four for lunch. Two in the late afternoon, with some bread and green bell pepper.
Two for bed.
Not enough.
I mixed that last two ounces with formula to total five ounces, after trying desperately for half an hour to pump out more. I feel like a failure. What am I supposed to do? Put her to bed hungry? Watch her cry and whine and sob, refusing my breast? I’m not going to starve her in the hopes that she’ll decide to come back to me.
I stood there over the crib, watching her drink from the bottle, her eyes fluttering shut. When she fell asleep I took the bottle. I wanted to throw it across the room and scream.
How can my body be failing HER?
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh Tatiana, your body isn’t failing her or you or anyone. Babies go on hunger strikes and some babies wean themselves early. Not saying the latter is necessarily the case, but it wouldn’t be unheard of at her age. I know this is so easy to say and so hard to do, but try to relax when you’re pumping. The more stressed out you are, the harder it will be for your body to let down. Maybe take a soaky bath and then try. Also, have you tried herbal supplements like Fenugreek or Mother’s Milk Tea? Ultimately, though, if this is it, please, please, please don’t see yourself as a failure. You breastfed for 7 months, which is three times longer than the average American mother. (Not sure about Canadian stats.) You are a great mother and you did all the right stuff. Don’t beat yourself up!
Honey, you have got to stop taking the blame for this. The stress you are putting yourself through is most definantly effecting your let down. I know I joke, but honestly, have a couple of glasses of wine or whatever to help you relax. It will not hurt Maia! If she decides she only wants bottle, then OK. If she changes her mind and comes back to breast then OK. You have a happy healthy baby and that is the important thing.
You are not a failure. The milk may taste a little funny because of the mastitis. Check out wwww.askdrsears.com about how to encourage a breastfeeding baby to resume breastfeeding. Some great ideas in there.
I can’t believe she’s kept this up for so long. I’m so sorry. Hopefully she comes to her senses soon. Just remember you are not a failure, you are a rockstar! {{{{{hugs}}}}}
First things first…….STOP STRESSINNG!!! Stress will kill your supply. She is growing up so fast and sometimes they’re more interested in growing and learning then they are with us/nursing. You have come so far with breastfeeding!! Don’t beat yourself up if she weans herself. Afterall…it’s about THEIR needs, not ours. She is at that age when some babies prefer food. Just supplement till she is a year and can move onto whole milk and please……stop beating yourself up over something you have no control over. You are a GREAT Mommy!!!!!!!!