I’ve documented a lot about my little girl here. I’ve shared some of the highest highs, but I’ve avoided many of the lowest lows. It’s not that I don’t want to talk about them; I do. There are times I’ve felt so overwhelmed at how much work this motherhood thing requires that I’ve sobbed while holding my crying baby, times I’ve been so resentful towards her that I just wanted to pass her to someone else and walk away to regain my senses, times I’ve called Chris at work and hardly been able to speak through my tears. I don’t write about these things because I don’t want to relive them. I want to reread this blog in ten years as Maia does her homework on the kitchen table behind me and find myself smiling at the fond memories, wishing I could again experience the feverish, all-consuming need for one another we have right now.
I love my daughter. I love my husband. Those are immutable facts. I might as well say that I need air to live and water to thrive. But it’s also undeniable that my relationships with them change day-to-day, for better and for worse. Chris and I have argued and snapped at each other more in these past four and a half (!!) months than we have in the six years (as of today!) we’ve been together. It’s difficult. It’s really, really difficult. I hope that every pregnant woman out there understands one thing, though: YOU are the mother. YOU know best. You must listen to and consider other people, but never, ever go against what your heart and gut are telling you when it comes to your baby. Parenting is demanding enough without making it harder on yourself because of what a book, or your parents, or your frustrated partner suggest.
Truly, the struggle to accept that, since I set the basic parenting rules, I am responsible for maintaining them is the greatest frustration I’ve experienced so far. It puts a strain on my self-esteem, my marriage, and even at times my emotional stability. There is no way to explain to someone who hasn’t been here how absolutely low the lows can be. We all read about post-partum depression while we’re reading our pregnancy books, and I have to say that while I don’t believe I suffer from PPD, I do believe I’ve had some depressive episodes in the past four months. I think that’s an important distinction: for the vast majority of the time, I am delighted to be a wife and mother, I am confident in my ability to be fantastic at both, and I want nothing more than to be near my daughter and husband forever.
Yet there have been times that I think I’m a horrible wife and mother, that I’ll never make both of them and myself happy, or that if I could just get away from them for half an hour, the world would make sense again.
I know this isn’t the happiest blog post. But I tell you — you know what makes me feel better, when I feel low? Knowing that other women have been here.
So remember — when you are feeling despondent, when you doubt yourself, when you want to bury your face in a pillow and scream with frustration — you’re not alone. I know you feel like you are. But you’re not. We’ve all been there.
And fortunately, the highs outnumber the lows.
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Great post! I love how you described going back to read this when she’s older, wanting to remember the good things. But do give yourself permission, once in a while, to talk about how hard it is. Should Maia have children one day, those words might be invaluable to her. In fact, one of the things that has helped me through the hard times, when one of my girls just won’t sleep or won’t eat, is when my mom tells me, “Oh, you did exactly the same thing at that age. That was really, really hard.” When you’re a mom, (or at least for me, as a mom) you really want nothing more than to just feel like this is all NORMAL. I think you have done that so well here, highlighting that it’s not always sunshine and daisies in such a way that you also aren’t making it into the Worst Thing Ever. Well said.
It can be very, very hard.
I always laughed at those military ads, I think US Army, but I could be wrong, that called it “The Toughest Job You’ll Ever Love.” because they seemed much better suited to describe parenthood than an actual, paying, JOB.
I think that while it’s nice to regard your blog as love letter to your child (and yourself) to be cherished in the future, it’s even more important to be honest (which you’ve done in a lovely and gentle way here) to help both of you in the present as well.
Being in charge of this little person’s well being is the hardest thing I have ever done. Its strange people say it all the time and you think “what ever I’ve dealt with a,b and c before, I can take care of a baby” but you have no idea. All those people are right, but of course when your in the thick of the hard parts you feel so alone. You are no alone.
“Yet there have been times that I think I’m a horrible wife and mother, that I’ll never make both of them and myself happy, or that if I could just get away from them for half an hour, the world would make sense again.”—Oh lady, I have totally been there.
I did choose to write a little bit about my low points on my blog for a few reasons: 1) It really did make me feel better and 2) I don’t think women talk about it enough. A bunch of my friends had babies in ‘08 and acted like the whole thing was a breeze. Then I had my baby and at moments felt like I was the worst mother/wife/daughter ever. It wasn’t until I posted about it that my friends started to tell me what their early days of motherhood were REALLY like.
You aren’t alone. Sending big hugs your way from Florida!
Very well said. Trying to be a good parent is the hardest thing anyone can do. Your relationships with everyone will take on a different angle, and sometimes there is adjustments that need to happen with those relationships due to your new perspective.
Yes, you are the mother and should trust yourself. Don’t be too worried about always holding to the rules/guidelines you set yourself. If you normally don’t let your baby cry to sleep, but decide that one night you will do just that, then do it and don’t feel bad or a hypocrit for doing it. Hey, you’re the mom, and you can make the rules bend to your needs–and never feel guilty about that. It is all in keeping your sanity. Maia will turn out just fine as long as she knows her mommy and daddy love her.
You’re a great mom, and the journey is very long to stress out too much about every little thing.
Parenting is demanding enough without making it harder on yourself because of what a book, or your parents, or your frustrated partner suggest.
Amen, sister. I get so frustrated trying to make sense of all the shit people tell me and what I read. It seems everyone knows exactly how to parent, yet everything they say contradicts everything you’re told, or what you think. I think some people forget what it’s like to slog through new motherhood, groping in the dark, trying and failing at a million things a day until you find the thing that’s going to work for your child.
It is a thrill though, huh?
Thanks for a great blog carnival idea.
I could have written this post. It can be so, so hard. I typically don’t talk as much about the negatives, but I do on occasion. Partly because I need the outlet and also because I want my daughter to read it someday. Someday when she has her own baby. I want her to know that what she is going through, all of it, the ups and downs, has happened before. That it is normal. I want her to be able to share that experience with me and know that I’ve been there.