We’re hitting a point where “avoiding temper tantrums” is becoming the theme of our days together with Maia. I hate this. She just wants to be carried everywhere, and it’s exhausting. Sometimes she’ll sit in the grocery cart or want to walk beside us or whatnot, but the vast majority of the time it’s I WANT TO BE ATTACHED TO YOU MAMA. We take her out to dinner and she spends the entire time in my lap, climbing on me. What am I supposed to do? Put her in a chair where she stands there screaming and shrieking and ruining everyone else’s dinner? The easiest thing to do is leave her in my lap, even though it makes me miserable and doesn’t teach her a damned thing.
I took her out with me to buy dog food the other day. I carried her from the car to the store, of course. Then in the store, she wouldn’t let me put her down. It didn’t matter that we were looking at rodents and birds and cats, things she was intrigued by; she wanted nothing to do with them if I wasn’t holding her. She squatted there on the floor, glaring at me, shrieking like she was in the greatest pain imaginable, tears streaking down her angry red face. I walked away down the aisle, and she still just sat there. Screaming. The entire store was looking at us. Again, what am I supposed to do? Ignore her until she follows me? So she sits there making an unholy amount of noise and annoying everyone else? I ended up having to carry her 20 lbs on one arm and the bulky 20 lb bag of dog food on the other. And no, that wasn’t any more fun than it sounds like.
We just returned from taking the dogs out. She wouldn’t let me set her down. When I did put her down, so I could, you know, pick up dog shit, she sat there shrieking and sobbing, right outside of our apartment building, loudly enough that, yes, I caught at least two curtains flicked aside so people could peek out. And this is USUAL for her at this point.
I guess my frustration lies in the fact that there are other people in this world whose feelings I don’t want to have to deal with. I know that sounds completely ridiculous. I don’t want to care if my angry kid interrupts their dinner or their pet food shopping or their morning coffee. I’m responsible for parenting, disciplining, and raising her. Right now, because of my utter fear of inconveniencing other people, I’m inconveniencing myself and letting my child be in control of my life. I don’t know if the solution is simply not to take her out anywhere until things are better, but I know that, again, doing that puts her in control. So I do whatever I can to soothe her, all the while fuming inside and wondering just what kind of brattiness and bossiness I’m encouraging, what kind of out-of-control behaviour this coddling will lead to down the line, because I don’t know what the fuck else to do.
I want to hold her little baby hand when we’re walking across the parking lot. I want her to romp around when we’re outside with the dogs. I want her to sit in her chair and colour her little kids’ menu or play with the toys we bring to keep her distracted. I don’t want to carry her everywhere.
I don’t know what to do.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh lady… so sorry for your agro. All kids are different, so the mantra just has to be, “this too shall pass.”
Or you could lock her in a padded room with a straight-jacket on… that seems to work pretty well too. I’m just sayin’.
I know this probably helps not even a little bit, but this sounds a lot like a phase. (I KNOW. UNHELPFUL.) We went through this with both girls. After a little while of that, they wanted nothing to do with being held or with shopping carts or strollers. Isla wants to “WALK WALK WALK!” everywhere, but she doesn’t want to hold our hand OR go in the general direction we need to go. I just tried to make sure to set rigid boundaries at home, and then held them when we were out until it passed. I felt like if I wasn’t give them the chance to argue after putting them down, they weren’t “getting their way”. I was the one who made the choice to carry them.
Does that even make any sense? I’m sick as a dog, so I apologize if I just talked you in circles. Hugs, lady.
It is hard to try and balance what to do. I think you just do what feels right at the time. I know that sounds like you will send mixed messages, but at this age, I don’t think it really matters that much. Also, I think people are more understanding if they see you trying to control her behavior, trying to get her to co-operate, etc. If I’m at the grocery store and a child is screaming bloody murder, and the mom is strolling slowly along, ignoring it all, that makes me nuts. But, if she is talking to the child, trying to get her shopping done quickly, then I feel compassion for the poor woman. The restaurant behavior–well, I think it is just common curtesy to quiet your child down. Just like in church. You don’t just keep sitting there, like nothing is going on. So, there were probably 2-3 years where I didn’t even try to eat out. It just wasn’t worth it. Like it was already stated–this too shall pass, even though it feels like it won’t.
It is unfortunate to have to say but I know exactly what you mean and exactly what you are going through because I went through the exact same thing with my son. And as unhelpful as it undoubtedly is, for us it really just ended up being a phase. For a while, he wouldn’t walk anywhere and, like you said, just wanted to be attached to me. And then one day (I think it was after spending some time with some of his older cousins) he decided that he ONLY wanted to walk and wasn’t interested in being carried, riding in the stroller or in a cart..and that pretty much is where we are right now. It seems their whims change with the wind and just when you think you might lose your mind from it, they will go in a completely different direction. Of course, having said that, there have been times where I have just thrown up my hands and let him scream, trying my hardest not to notice the glares and whispered conversations sent in my direction. I am of the belief that he has to learn sometime and giving in to him all the time (or staying home to avoid the situation) isn’t fixing anything either so as hard as it was, we did see some success with that. All you can do is stick with it and try to show her as best as you can what the “proper” behaviour is..and if nothing else, take comfort in the fact that a LOT of us have been through it right along with you.
I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through this! It sounds incredibly frustrating. I unfortunately don’t have a speck of advice for you, but I am here for sympathizing
Hope this is encouraging and useful and not assvice.
I guess before I even start, let me just say I feel your pain. I always gave people the stinkeye if their kid was being awful; the first time my son was That Kid I was mortified and so ANGRY at him! So, I feel ya.
Having said all that, we have been working on three stages at our house. The first stage pretty much only works at home, but gets the kid to understand what it is that you want.
1) We heard about having a Sad Corner from a friend. It’s similar to a time out, except that it’s not punishment; it’s a chance for the kid to be aware of being upset, and have a place to retreat to until they’re ready to rejoin society. If my son started to cry or whine (or seemed on the verge of it), I would matter of factly (or even cheerfully) tell him he was sad/angry/whatever and say he should sit in his corner until he’s done being sad. I put up a silly picture I had of him crying, and I made it a cozy little place.
If he tried to come out while still whining or whatever, I asked “are you ready to be happy now?” and if yes, I hugged him and watched to make sure he had it under control. If no, I took him back over there. If he was really upset I might sit with him. The important thing is to clarify that being upset is fine, but it has a place, and “the sad has to stay there.”
I do realize this could lead to sulking, but since they have to be happy to rejoin everyone (this does work during meals or any time), it won’t be prolonged, passive-aggressive sulking.
2) Once that was pretty well established, we moved on to Stage 2, which is basically coming up with a useful expression of sadness or anger. If my son whines or tantrums, I tell him “You are sad. Say, ‘I’m sad’…” (or angry, or frustrated, or disappointed. He can’t say all those words but I try to get him to repeat it anyway, just for exposure to the words.) Then I ask, why are you angry? Why are you sad? I give him a chance to try and explain it (his words aren’t that great; he’s 27 months as I write this), and if he can get out even one word (“I sad, cuz, outside”) then I frame it back to him – partly so he realizes WHY he IS upset: You’re sad because you want to play outside? (“Yes!”) And then I explain why it is like that, and apologize for the inconvenience, basically, “Today it’s too hot to play outside, I’m sorry that makes you sad.” and then REDIRECT! Sometimes I can get away with “do you want to do XYZ instead?”; other times I have to completely change the subject: “I see you’re holding Bear-bear, is he upside down?” or “Where is your blue hat?” or “How many holes are in my nose?”
3) I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the show Ni Hao, Kai-lan. That show is all about feelings, and is pretty useful overall. There is one episode, Kai-lan’s Big Surprise, where her party gets messed up and can’t be fixed. Her friends do things to make her smile even though they can’t reverse the damage to her party.
It may be a lucky personality thing, but I have found that (especially since watching that episode), my son understands that sometimes you just have to let go and decide to be happy, and for him, a hug and a kiss are usually enough; sometimes it takes a tickle, or a game of chase, or whatever. Kai-lan’s happy action was to have someone make faces at her.
As for store trips – my son knows that with me, no means no. With that established, most of his tantrums revolve around being bored to tears, or overstimulated/overtired; we don’t have fights about “Can I have that/touch that/get down”. So I’m sorry that I don’t have any specific advice if that (wanting stuff) is the cause of the tantrums, nor do I know how to solve the problem if refusal and redirection doesn’t work. But at least working at home on her realizing what the different emotions are, and that she CAN control herself, and putting a name to what she’s feeling and why, will give her more options on how to act, so that as she gets older she can say “I’m bored” or answer “Are you still sad that you can’t have those cookies?” with “No, I’m frustrated because the buckle on this shopping cart is poking me and I can’t change position enough”. Ok, maybe that last is a stretch, but you get the idea.
Oh and um, der. forgot this entirely because I was so focused on my bullet points.
As far as the touching – have you tried transferring “touch duty” to a lovey? Start with her, you, and lovey, then shift to being her and the lovey?
Also, at 20 lbs, this might be too much for you, but have you tried a large carrier/baby backpack such as an Ergo? It would at least keep her out of your way while you’re shopping, which that alone might be worth a hundred bucks.
Finally… is it the touch, or the actual attention she’s trying for? One thing I personally have trouble with is focusing my 100% attention on my kids. The phone is RIGHT THERE. Texting, calling people because I’m stuck at home with them…. but my son knows when I get bored with him and call mom to chat for 30 minutes while I sit and watch him play. He starts being rough, throwing things, doing stuff he isn’t supposed to. We go out to dinner and my son takes so much attention that I sometimes forget the baby (9mo) is sitting there in the car seat beside me – I’ve eaten whole meals and looked up and gone “wow, I forgot you were there, girl!”
Accuse me of being a bad mom, you’d probably be right some days, I just have so many things going on in my life it’s hard to give them 100% attention when I’m hanging out with them. But, that’s what they want, just like I want it from someone I’m having dinner with, right?
So I’m not talking about cliche “just doing it for attention” but because they know I’m distracted and not REALLY paying attention, even though I can murmur “oh yes, thomas IS blue, that’s right honey” in response to queries.
So… lately I let my son hold the coupons at the store. I hand boxes to him to place into the back of the cart. I’ve started putting the baby into a booster seat so I can’t possibly accidentally ignore her.
Ok, I shut up now, but I hope at least something here is helpful.
Moose is in this stage SOMETIMES. Chipmunk didn’t have this stage until about 2.5. And he’s still in it.
I have no advice. You’ll get through it though.
At least she’s cute!
We’re kind of dealing with this, though the tantrums are sometimes about being held and sometimes about other things. At home, I will sometimes let Paloma just express what she needs to express after doing what I can to calm her down (a hug, lovey, and so on) without actually giving in to the thing she is demanding. Outside of home, we will take her out of the area where we could be ruining other people’s dinners, etc. In a neutral location, we then try to do what we do at home. But sometimes it’s not about wanting a particular thing – it’s about wanting 100% of my attention, which I, like a previous commenter, sometimes have trouble giving (especially since I work from home and sometimes really do need to focus on an article or essay). But, yeah, it’s a phase… and not the worst kind. Someday she’s going to pull away from hugs and kisses and want nothing to do with you… that’s what I remind myself of when I get super frustrated by the neediness!
I feel the need to throw in an opinion…
Though focusing all your attention on your child is a noble goal, to do it every waking minute is a little rediculous. Kids need to learn to entertain themselves, calm themselves down, go to sleep on there own, etc. Not to say you shouldn’t spend the majority of your time w/your child providing meaningful interaction, but I also believe they should come to realize that you don’t always get what you want, mom and dad can’t always just worship you, etc.
Honestly, who has the time or patience to go through all of the “how do you feel?” steps a million times a day with a toddler, or even a pre-schooler. Try this when you have more then one child, you and hubby are getting ready for work, the bills are hanging over your head…you get the picture.
Just some thoughts from an old-time mom, before touchy-feely parenting mattered more then mom’s sanity.
Sometimes kids do this because they need that extra bit of security and reassurance for whatever reason. I don’t think it’s that she is soiled or ruined or whatever – think it’s a phase that is simply driving you batshit. (Simply. HAHAH. I bet I will kill myself when mine do this.)
I know you will hate me for saying this…but babywearing?? The right sling lets you both win. She hangs out on your back, sees everything, and has cuddles. You have your hands free and can relax a bit.
I meant ’spoiled’ not ’soiled.’ Though ’soiled’ makes me giggle AND gag at the same time.
*HUG*