I am so scared of being an over-reactive, over-protective, coddling mother (because I loathe that type) that I worry I sometimes underestimate situations. So when Maia started screaming last night, hard enough that she was red-faced and out of breath, in a way I haven’t heard her ever cry while I was holding her, I was surprised when my gut twisted. My heart aches everytime she is unhappy, but to have my stomach tie itself in knots and to feel worry rise in my throat is unusual. I trust my instincts. They served me perfectly well during pregnancy and childbirth, and I’m not going to start doubting myself now.
I pressed a hand to her forehead and she felt fine. She wasn’t pumping her legs as if she had gas. She didn’t want to look at her fishie curtain, nor did the sound of running water soothe her. I tried to nurse and she turned her head away with a shriek. She didn’t want to be set down, and her arms tightened around me as if I were the only thing in the world that made any sense whenever I tried.
Until, that is, her knight in shining armour, her Daddy, came trundling out of the bedroom. Sleepy-eyed, he took her from my arms, held her tight against his chest, and started “shhhh”ing as he paced the house. I trailed behind them anxiously, seemingly completely unnoticed by either one; they were in their own little Daddy-Maia zone. He took her into the washroom and turned on water, and she calmed down for him. With her eyes half-closed, he tried to pass her back to me, to see if she’d nurse, but no such luck; she started to cry again as I took her. I gave her back to him.
Within minutes, she had fallen fast asleep in his arms. The roiling in my belly settled. Gently, I took her into my arms, settling her weight against my shoulder. Her breath quickened for a moment against my skin before calming again, as I “shhhh”ed her. Chris pressed a quick kiss to my lips and, with a quiet “I love you,” returned to the bedroom. She stayed asleep.
After I laid her down in the crib and returned to the living room for a few minutes of mommy time, I thought hard about why I had been so upset to see and hear her cry like that. I’m certain that it’s natural to be unnerved by your infant’s cries, but I was genuinely disturbed and worried. I suppose she was just over-tired or had worked herself into a frenzy by not being soothed quickly enough, but why had none of our usual soothing techniques worked? I appreciate that having Daddy hold her did the trick, yet I worry about what I would have done had he been at work.
I don’t want to be one of those moms who drags her kids into a doctor’s office whenever something even vaguely unusual happens, then shoves her kid full of medication to “fix” whatever is “wrong”, even if it’s just a mood swing. It scares me. And I realized that it’s probably the one true fear I have of parenting. I don’t want to be so concerned with not overreacting that I end up willfully ignorant of signs that something is wrong.
So last night, although Maia was clearly alright, bothers me. I don’t understand why. I just keep thinking of how that panic seized me, but I WAS WRONG. I have to trust myself when it comes to my baby, but I. Was. Wrong.
That’s hard to swallow.
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You are also human, which should make it a little easier to swallow? The important thing is that you thinking about all this stuff, which is going to make you so much more self-aware and informed about future choices you make. Not thinking about it would be worrying. *hug*
Sometimes I think our littles need a change of pace.
Lily did the same thing the other night. She wouldn’t stop screaming for me no matter what so Waldo took her and she settled right down. Its happened when he wasn’t home a couple of times so we go on a walk and that’s worked.
I don’t know for sure but I think sometimes when this has happened I get so worried because I can’t settle her that it winds her up even farther.
I have the same worry. I don’t want to be running to the doctor all the time but I don’t want to miss something important either. I could go crazy thinking too much about it.
Take a couple of deep breaths and live second to second if that helps.
I can’t count the number of times in a day that I’m wrong around here
You will find yourself “wrong” plenty of times over the next 18 years! But, the important thing is that you try. Over and over you try to be the best mom you can be. Sometimes you will do that amazingly well, and other times you will wonder how your baby put up with you at all.
Take comfort in the fact that you have Chris, family, friends, even the internet to help you be a good/better parent. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again–you are a great mom.
As far as I can tell, when it comes to parenting every decision that you make will be right, and every decision you make will be wrong.
It *IS* hard to trust yourself to do something new, especially when the stakes feel so high. Just know that you’ll find your rhythm with Maia, and just when you gain confidence she’ll change the tempo without letting you know. It’s just how it is.
I completely understand. My baby would calm for my husband at times when I could do nothing to help her. You just have to go with your gut and do your best. No one loves her like you. Yes, you will screw up. We all do. Motherhood isn’t about being perfect; it’s about raising a happy, productive child.
You weren’t wrong. Something was upsetting her, even if it was just that she needed a cuddle. We all worry about over/underreacting to our child’s needs. In my 19 months of experience I have second guessed pretty much every decision I have made and I have little doubt that I will continue to do so for the rest of her life. How’s that for optimism?
You’re doing great, mama!
First time parents spend a lot of time worrying about whether they’re doing it right. The problem is, you won’t know until they’re 30.
So it’s a lot easier not to worry.
Babies cry. Then they stop. You don’t even always know why. The good thing is they won’t remember, so it doesn’t really matter.