I haven’t been blogging lately because I’ve been angry.
Angry at Chris. Maia. My family. Myself.
I’ve just felt so utterly low-spirited that coming here and writing about it seems stupid.
Every day — in fact, maybe even every hour — I find myself angry at Chris. It’s gotten to the point where I just don’t respond when he talks to me, because I’m afraid I’m going to say whatever bitchy thing is going through my head. I won’t say he’s perfect, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t deserve me being uber-bitch to him.
Every night, I’m angry at Maia. Ever since her goddamn nursing strike ended, getting her to sleep is miserable. We’re lucky if she’s in bed within an hour of starting her bedtime routine — which we’ve had to move back to 8pm because getting her to sleep anytime earlier than that is apparently impossible now. It’s frustrating. Then she’s up four or five times a night, nursing and refusing to lay back down. I don’t know what’s changed, I don’t know if it has something to do with the fact that Chris had to put her to bed without me around twice last week or that the fingers she self-soothes on are burnt (pic here) but now every time I lay her down in her crib she starts to cry. Eventually, I can rub her back and soothe her back to sleep, but that’s usually after she stands up and cries for me to hold her a few times.
Which, of course, means Chris can’t put her to sleep. He’s tried. He ends up just leaving her crying. He comes stomping out here: “Fuck it, she can learn to cry herself to sleep,” which of course is not an option, and I have to go in there, calm her down, and help her go to sleep.
I’m angry at my family, because they don’t live close enough to see my daughter growing up. It’s not their fault; it’s mine, I moved away. But here I am, here we are, alone. I’m angry at the goddamn USA for not being good enough for me to raise my daughter in, because if it were, there would be some chance of us moving there, closer to my family. It takes a village. IT TAKES A VILLAGE and I never understood the abiding truth of those words until I became a mother. I’m angry when I hear people rant and lie about Obama’s agenda, because he would take the shambles of the USA and make it into a country I could live in. I’m angry at the sensationalist pundits who have, since last November, nurtured and encouraged fear and fury in an uneducated, reactionary population.
And yet I’m angry at some “educated” people I follow on Twitter. I’m so fucking tired of all the self-righteous indignation going around. Every time these people declare their opinions and mock others who do not hold the same ones, I hover over the Unfollow button. Their crusades have become so meaningless to me because these people seem like caricatures in an editorial cartoon.
I’m mad at myself for feeling everything I do. As if life is really so horrible? I have a healthy, beautiful family. We’re keeping our heads above water financially. The next few years should really see life looking up for us, and yet I sit here and think about all the things that frustrate me. I hate our apartment. I have no education. I’m working retail. My fucking video camera still isn’t here after four and a half weeks. We’re uninvited to a wedding this weekend, one I didn’t even want to go to in the first place, because we can’t bring Maia.
I’m so tired of WAITING for things to get better. The last six years of my life have been about waiting. I feel like I’m wasting away. Whenever I tell Chris this, he says get out, go find clubs and groups to join, but he doesn’t seem to understand that I’m angry about the wasted years. I am usually more zen than this. I usually take a very “what will be will be” attitude, and consider the past to be a learning experience that has shaped who I am today.
The past.
Maria recently posted about her therapist asking about the most significant moment in her life.
I can think of two, and I’m not sure which is more powerful, which is more meaningful, and that indecisiveness infuriates me.
One: A man who had hurt me, intentionally and regularly over the course of four years, said “I love you” over the phone… and when I didn’t reply, asked “Don’t you love me?” I said “No, I don’t.” I knew that finally, after all those years, all the manipulation and all the mistakes, I had escaped him.
Two: Giving birth.
Shouldn’t bringing my daughter into this world be more significant?
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I was a victim. I hate typing those four words. I don’t feel liberated or empowered by claiming that title; I feel dirty, weak, and embarrassed. I’ve erased them and re-typed them more times than I can count, and every time, the little knot of nausea in my stomach has tightened.
Someday I’ll share my story. Not today.
Today, I am going to be angry.
Tomorrow, I will try not to be.
{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
Hugs, Tatiana. You are not alone. I have periods like this, too. It’s hard. Lack of sleep is definitely a big contributing factor in my mental state during the day. We went through the sleep difficulties like that with Baby Boy (and still are to a lesser degree now – he’s 2 1/2).
Just know that you have an immense support system here. It may not replace a physical one, but we’re here for you.
Hey lady. First time here (via Twitter). Good for you for putting it all out there. I don’t know you well enough (at all, actually) so I won’t offer advice. This is probably one of those times you just need to be heard and not ‘fixed’ anyway. So I’m just saying that I’m listening and feeling for you. xo
i’ll be angry with you, my friend. and hurt. and pissed the fuck off. and when you’re ready to embrace that part of you (it is a part… it is NOT all of you), i will hold your hand.
we will call you a warrior.
until then, be angry. you have every right to be angry.
(and i’ll still call you a warrior under my breath because you are… you have been for a long time).
i’m here, and i hear you.
It’s OK to be angry. Really. I know everyone feels that they should be thankful for what they have (which in turn makes you angrier for not feeling that way), but sometimes you just need to allow yourself to feel what you need to feel and get it out.
And lack of sleep? Well, from experience, that makes EVERYTHING worse. It is hard to be nice and cheery and Pollyanna when you’re exhausted and crabby. When V cut her first set of molars it was 2 months of hell. I’m amazed I didn’t up in the nut house. I’m positive a screaming child who wont sleep is my punishment for putting my parents through my emo teenage years.
Seriously, though, there are things you can do. First, talk to your doctor about depression, if you haven’t already. I found being on the right meds made a world of difference for me.
For poor Maia (OMG, her fingers. I hope you contacted store HQ about that. Ugh. That makes me so mad)… Is it possible she’s teething, or going through a growth spurt? Both of those things hurt. Tylenol and Motrin are your friends and it doesn’t make you a bad parent to give them to your child (especially when it allows everyone to sleep and be in a better mood the next day). Boiron teething drops work great for teething pain as well, if you want to go the natural route.
And if you just need to vent, well, then give me a shout. I know how frustrating this can all be, so just know that you’re not alone. ((Hugs))
i’ve been writing a post, all day, about my anger and frustration.
hugs honey. i hope things…i KNOW things…will get better.
hang in there.
xo
ps…part of this post, i could have written myself!!!
What a great post! So many of us get angry…and the guilt that comes along with that anger. I hope you feel better writing about it. *Hugs* and thinking of you!
It’s a very stressful time – new job, young, non-sleeping baby, no family support. I know it’s hard.
As for the Twitter people you may want to unfollow, or do what I do an ignore. Or laugh at the insanity!
sending you hugs!
It’s hard when thing start piling up until there is an explosion.
Don’t stop talking to Chris. He won’t be able to try to understand if you don’t tell him what’s wrong.
As for Maia’s sleeping, please read The Baby Whisperer. If you don’t want her to cry it out, then this book is for you. It worked for us.
Please know that you have lots of friends around. Might not be family, but it’s close. Friends are the family you choose.
Oh, Tatiana.
Anger is good and healthy. It’s better than despair. I know how hard you work — you are not wasting time, that much I’m sure of. And the sleep thing will pass, too. She’s growing and becoming more mobile and teething and becoming more independent and therefore more needy at times. Do your best to get through the nights and the months will take care of themselves and you will have entirely new issues to deal with.
And by typing those four words you are anything but weak. You are brave and strong and an inspiration to others. I like you when you’re angry.
((hug)) I’m so sorry.
I gotta say I can relate to you feeling angry toward your hubby (especially when he gives up and you have no choice but to take over. Been there.) and your little one. Lack of sleep made my completely scary crazy with my first. It’s even worse if things are going great and then you get a setback. It is so hard being away from your family. I hate that I have nobody here to help out when I need it. I hope that writing it down helped a bit. Both of your significant moments are positive ones and you should be proud of your ability to let go and to bring a beautiful baby into the world.
First, HUGS. Second, there is nothing wrong with being angry. I go through phases like that all time, we all do. We all KNOW that we are blessed, but being blessed doesn’t block out all the things in life that piss us off.
That said, I freaking wish the US was a better place too.
Also Poor Maia’s little fingers!
I’m sorry you feel like this right now – especially the tired and exhausted part because that will intensify anything – but regarding the anger – it’s OK to feel it and express it. Dammit, I’m angry for you! I’m angry that you were hurt like that and that it has affected you so deeply. I know when I am angry like that, I often take it out on the nearest and dearest to me – in my case, my husband at the time. I too, have no family and I feel the same as you do about the naysayers of Obama, who is only trying to clean up a mess that was created by the people before him. I too wish I had my family near me to see my little ones grow up. It’s a huge void in life, not to have that village and it has made me more than angry on occasion. It’s like you’re missing a lifeline, especially when your little one is going through a transition like Maia is.
I love your tweets though and think your baby is beautiful. Whether you’re angry or happy or somewhere in between, I’d like to think I can be of support sometimes just by letting you know that you’re not alone. Hang in there mama. And if you can, go easy on yourself – lack of sleep can do a number on you. (I speak from profound experience of this issue!).
Feel free to email me anytime. I think you’re brave to be writing, however much you want to disclose – no one is judging you. You are already, as Nic said, a warrior.
Take care, hope it gets a little better and the meanwhile, honour your emotions, good and bad.
Hugs,
Tricia x
I don’t know what to say about anything except that I want to reach thru my computer and yours and hug you… And I don’t know you in real life but I can so relate on the being angry at the husband and being sleep deprived because your baby won’t sleep
The anger boils over in me sometimes, too, so I know that I can honestly say I feel you. What’s been incredibly gratifying for me is having my sister here, so now when I feel like I’m being irrationally angry, there’s someone who’s objectively observing and she says: You have every right to be angry. That shit was fucked up.
I know that bloggy friends aren’t the same as someone sitting in your living room truly seeing your life, but I hope it comes close. I don’t have any suggestions except to say: Forgive yourself for being angry, and then look past the anger to what’s underneath it. My therapist pointed out anger is always a manifestation of something else, some deep hurt, that we don’t feel we’re allowed to voice.
When you’re ready, voice it. We’ll all be here listening.
I’m away from my entire family too…and we don’t have any sort of real social support to lean on. It’s really difficult. Sometimes I think I could literally go crazy, since I never get a break. The anger I am familiar with. If I don’t watch out it will consume me for DAYS. **hugs**
This is the first time I’ve read your blog, but I feel compelled to comment.
You are not alone!!!
If I am really tired, or really stressed, I lash out at my dh and stay angry for no reason for days sometimes. It is totally normal, and talking about it does help.
Just know you aren’t alone in feeling this. It does get better. *hugs*
In this post, you made me question my strength, because I felt yours so powerfully.
I wish I could just say, well shit, I am angry. Good on you! You should be proud of yourself for exactly how you are, bitchy and all.
Huge hugs.
Hi,
I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but I follow you on Twitter. Thank you, thank you for posting this. So many of these things ring true with me. It’s almost as if you typed them from my head. I am 25 with an almost 8 month old little girl. I have no education and we live in a very tiny apartment. Most days, I am so angry with my husband I can hardly think of anything pleasant to say to him. My little girl will NOT sleep. What you wrote is us on a typical night, right down to the husband getting so frustrated he leaves her crying. We do not cry it out. She wakes up several times a night and will not go back to sleep. The political climate, people on twitter, being mad at yourself for not being grateful, living far from your family? Um, yes. Yes, to all of these things. My husband says the same thing to me about joining clubs, etc. I feel stuck. Stuck and isolated and guilty that I feel like this. Thanks for making me feel less alone.
Oh, I so get this. I do. We just had round I don’t even want to count on why it is that we can’t do things the way we want and why P can’t do X and can’t do Y and on and on and on. I love my husband, I love my kids, but sometimes, I really just don’t think I can stand one. more. minute.
*huggles and snuggles* It’s ok to be angry. You’ve been through a lot. The sun WILL come out tomorrow, though. Lack of sleep – hey, I have three kids I know lack of sleep – makes everything in the world seem worse. Sounds like the baby needs some ubber comforting. Her hand was burned, she may be going through a growth spurt and teething, as was said above. She wants cuddles and loves and BOOBIES. And, as stated above, don’t stop talking to him. You might find he is as frustrated as you are about some of the same things. And her not wanting him at bedtime, it probably hurts him like the dickens.
I can SO relate to you and your anger in this post, maybe more than I care to admit. You’ll get through it because you are clearly a strong, fabulous woman. I’ll hug you if you promise to hug me back. MWAH.
I saw the comment about The Baby Whisperer. This book helped us, too. The pick-up/put-down method worked with both our kids. (Not that you were asking)
I’m not a cry-it-out person either. Can’t take it. But, also couldn’t take laying on the floor beside the dude’s crib while he fell asleep. Sometime for an hour…. Although, it is nice to be needed… The power in just putting my hand on his little hand.. Amazing to be able to calm someone like that. Exhausting, too!
Anyway – thought I’d mention it
Your post rings so true for most everything in my life right now. I wish I had the strength to put it all into words and out there. I wish I could be there for you physically, but since I’m not, I’ll be here for you here. Love/hugs
haven
This is the time when you need to lean on your friends – whether it be virtual friends or not, remember that you are not alone!!! We feel your pain!
When life becomes unbearable, I say to myself “this is temporary, everything in life is temporary…. this too shall pass.”
Sometimes intention is the best we can do. Trying to not be angry is a step in the right direction. Keep your head up girl. It’ll come around.
You’ll be in my thoughts.
you’re in my thoughts — I hope things get better — they WILL get better!
You are wonderful. Although I am going to continue this comment with some more words, I want you to take THAT away, first of all.
As you know, I have been following your story since I started blogging about a year ago. I think both of us have gone through an incredible journey in having our little girls. I have had my weak moments, that I didn’t have the courage to share on my blog. I also felt angry. Very angry. Obviously new parenting makes those emotions that much more…. raw. The lack of sleep, the emotional roller coaster of becoming a mother, feelings of isolation, abandonment,frustration, not knowing the answer, not knowing who to talk to, can be consuming. But these things are often not the REASON that we’re angry. They just have a tendency to push other things to the surface, whether we are ready for them or not. I think you know what’s really bothering you and are in the process of trying to address it, which is incredible – and healthy, powerful and inspiring. I completely agree with another one of the comments that said “anger is always a manifestation of something else, some deep hurt, that we don’t feel we’re allowed to voice.”
You are incredibly strong. You. Are. Wonderful. I hope that you find that reaching out to your virtual friends, all of us that know you from a distance, will help you with those emotions.
I’m not a therapist, and I’m not trying to give you my unqualified advice. I just wanted to let you know that I’m listening. In fact, I’m tempted to pack up Amie tomorrow and head over there – it can’t be THAT far from Toronto! And really, I will if you want me to. Just say when.
Good luck,
Jenine
I’ve been angry a lot too. Angry and tired (in fact I even wrote a little about that today). It happens sometimes. Sometimes I think it’s what’s in the air this time of year. That’s not to diminish what you’re feeling. Some of what you’re angry with I feel too. The Twitter thing for one. The baby not sleeping thing for another. Kids and their sleep issues are (I’m sorry to say) kind of a constant issue for quite awhile. Sometimes they sleep and then sometimes…who knows. It can be very draining I know.
It’s ok to be angry. At whomever you want to be. The fact that you can admit that and deal with it, be it by writing, talking, crying, shopping–whatever–is the important part. Life can seem very hard at times, and it is hard at times. Lean on the people in your life, as they will help just by being there. It does take a village, however that village may be virtual. The reason this may be so hard is because you are trying to do it the “right” way. You CARE about how you are raising Maia..you CARE about your husband. You aren’t just saying “ok, I have a hubby and a baby, now everthing will just go on, happily ever after”…of course we all know there is no secret “right” way, but the fact that we try our damndest, is the important part.
Now, speaking about raising Maia in the US…I must take offense that this country isn’t good enough for her to be raised in. People from all over the world try their hardest to come to this country, for a better life. Yes, Canada has socialized health care, but that isn’t all that makes a country. Honestly, whomever is in office in DC really doesn’t effect me as much as who is in office in my town. Those are the people that impact my way of life on a daily basis, not Bush or Obama or whoever. Though it is good to be politically aware, I must admit when in the middle of raising a family, trying to make marriage work and paying bills, etc. politics can take a flying leap.
The most significant moment in life..well, that is a hard one. Yes, having a child is significant…but…it is birth. natural. almost everyone does it. I don’t think I’ve had my most significant moment yet. Maybe it will be when I fineally make MYSELF my priority. That doesn’t mean all of a sudden I’m a selfish bitch, it just means I realize that if I don’t do things to make myself feel fullfilled, I will just wither away.
Being a victim…I am so proud of you for being able to get yourself out of that situation. That is true strength, and NEVER feel weak about leaving. EVER.
I think I really went off on tangents here, but it was rather theraputic, so I thank you.
I love you, lady.
It’s okay to be angry.
Don’t feel bad about what you feel like are significant moments in your life. None of my top ones had anything to do with my kids. I think that’s because every moment with your kids is significant in a weird, dizzying way.
I’m sorry you are/were feeling so crappy. I hate it when I’m the only one who can put our kids to sleep too. I mean I can’t even go out past 9:00 because the youngest just refuses to sleep without me. One night I had to work and got home after midnight and she was STILL AWAKE! I know that’s only part of your anger but I get that part completely!
I’m right there with you. Hubby is making me flat out Nasty-Mean lately. And then he’s Nasty-Mean right back. Ugly little cycle. Hope we both can break it really soon.