“You’re much more shy than I expected,” she says, regarding me, “I thought you’d be way louder from your tweets and blog posts.”
I feel my cheeks heat up, and I force myself both to smile and to continue meeting her gaze. “Yeah, I am,” I reply. What the hell else am I supposed to say? I am deeply, almost comically, shy. Particularly in a situation like this, where I am judging myself constantly against women who are supposedly (superficially?) my “peers” — but they’re not. Sure, we’re all moms. Sure, we’re all members of a certain website. But they’re infinitely more put-together, successful, and confident than I am.
I make small talk — wracking my brain for things to say — with her for a few minutes before, blessedly, the waiters start to deliver dinner to everyone and I excuse myself. I’ve ordered a steak — the first time I’ve ordered a steak in many years, since I’ve just begun to eat beef again — but there’s no one to share this fact with. They’re all talking with one another.
I look down at my plate and dig in.
The conversation all around me is raucous and happy, women laughing and joking with each other. There are smiles everywhere — perfect smiles with perfect teeth surrounded by perfect glossy lips — and although I look around, waiting for an opening in a conversation that I can awkwardly thrust myself into, my smile is as thoroughly timid as I am.
And so I eat.
“Wow, that must be really tasty,” says the woman seated to my left. A little cube of steak and half a pile of mashed potatoes are all that remains on my plate, whereas hers looks as though it’s barely been touched.
“It is,” I say quietly. I’m desperately embarrassed that my nearly empty plate has been noticed and remarked upon. I berate myself, silently, for being such a shitty conversationalist and a pig and for thinking that I should ever, ever attend a get-together like this. “How is yours?”
When I see the pictures from this event, I break down in tears right in front of my computer. I had so carefully considered my hair and makeup, and I even bought an adorable black dress to wear for it, and yet… I hate every single picture that I’m in. I look cheap and unsophisticated. I look fat, my skin looks shiny, my tight-lipped smile is uninviting, my hair is frizzy, and the camera’s flash reflects off my glasses.
More hurtfully, however, is the realization I come to as I look through the gallery of photos. There are a few shots of me in a group with all of the attendees, and a few of me alone. But there is not a single shot where a woman there grabbed me and said, “I need a picture with you!” Not once during the night did I make enough of an impression on anyone that they wanted to capture a moment in time where we were together, smiling, arms around one another’s shoulders.
I don’t blame them.
I wouldn’t want a picture with me either.
I want to move beyond being this way. I want to stop feeling so fucking inadequate as a human being and as an adult. I feel like the only things I’ve accomplished in life are finding a husband and having a child, and while those are wonderful and I wouldn’t trade them for the world, having Maia has thrust the sharp, painful awareness of my own shortcomings into the forefront of my mind. There is so very little in me for her to be proud of. Her mother is a high school dropout. A runaway. A college student of one semester. A part-time minimum wage retail worker. A social misfit.
I don’t even know where to start.
{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh honey. My heart aches for you. If I had been there I would
have talked to you. You are wonderful just the way you are.
I’m so sorry you feel this way. That is often how I feel on Twitter, while I see others in constant conversation and steadily wowing people with their wit and humor. It’s also the reason I want nothing to do with blogging conventions or meet ups or whatever. Someone once told me, “You are much bolder on your blog.” Um, well, yeah. Cause it’s a blog!
I hope you listen to the many voices who believe in you — your strength, your courage, your worth. Those are the voices that count.
Well I.. I think youre gorgeous, and your skin is fantastic! Thy’re probably those skinny bitches that order a steak and dont even touch it. “Oh, I’m full.” and then they go home and purge or whatever the hell it is they do. I think you fucking rock!
@Tia: I did have a nice conversation with one of the ladies behind Mom Central Canada, so that was great. And everyone that I talked to was really sweet altogether, but it was just so, so hurtful to sit there throughout my whole dinner without being able to find a conversation to join.
@Kelly: Oh lady, I SO hear you there with the Twitter thing. I can’t count the number of times I’ve wanted to reply to someone’s tweet but can’t think of the right words, and then someone else comes along with a perfect, witty reply… like she always does!
@Pamela: My skin is far, far from fantastic – that’s definitely the photographer & the lighting being kind to me. Most plates ended up empty, and you should have seen us all dig into dessert! I didn’t feel bad for eating, I felt bad for being the only one who was eating instead of talking
Well, I’ll be grabbing you for a pic at BlogHer, so there.
I don’t think meeting up with a bunch of new people and struggling to find your place makes you a social misfit. It makes you normal.
And Maia can be proud that her mom is strong, and proud, and beautiful, an awesome mother, and a fabulous writer
Oh lady. *HUG* You looked gorgeous.
Also, remember that people near you or people online aren’t necessarily your tribe. If you feel like you need to bend to fit in, you don’t have to fit in. And if you don’t feel comfortable being you, you don’t have to be there. Be true to yourself, in all your awesomeness.
So you’re shy. So are shitloads of people, and many of them wouldn’t have been brave enough to go out and socialize with a bunch of people you don’t know well.
I think you are beautiful, stunning, shining. You are smart, you are funny, you write well, you are honest. Not many people can say the same.
Ouch. Those feelings you describe? That’s precisely how I feel out in new settings. So you know what? I don’t ever go. So when you’re wondering why your daughter would be proud of you, start with this: you put yourself out there, on “paper” and in public. Uncomfortable as it is, you do it. And you’ll do it again. And each time you do, it will be easier. (Or so I’m told ’cause, hey, I ain’t ever going where I have to talk to people. Ick.)
I am so bad with new people. Hell, I’m not that great at making conversation with people I DO know. I feel put on the spot and lost in my head. Everything I think of to say sounds stupid in my head, and worse when I say it aloud. I hate going places, because I feel like I look like a complete slob, with frizzy hair and clothes too big in some places, too tight in others.
It’s so hard to be the mother of girls. If I let them see me down on myself, I’m teaching them to look at their own beautiful faces with the same critical eye. My mother used to take me shopping with her and berate herself in front of the mirror. She’d point out her every flaw and languish in it. I’m trying with all my might not to let that happen. It makes me sick in my heart to think of either one of my incredible girls thinking they are less than good enough.
Sorry I wrote so much! I’m just trying to say that I know how you feel, and I hope it’s coming through.
Oh honey…I so so so so get it.
I’m not sure if I’ll EVER go to a bloggy event. I just cried and felt sick for you and thought of all of the times I’ve felt the way you did. All of it could have been written by me.
…well, except for the steak part. I’ve NEVER given up on steak. EVER. LOL Steak is mah beesh.
<3
I feel this way too. It is hard for me to make conversation. I am afraid to leave comments because I think I sound stupid.I even let my fear of being left out of thing get in the way of getting a Blogher ticket.
I am also very, very shy, so I don’t go to situations like this very often. Heck I really have to talk myself up to go to new mom groups even. So you are my hero for going and meeting all of these women.
I agree with everyone else, you look beautiful.
ALSO I want to shake you for not seeing the things Maia has to be proud of. I wish you could see what I see. And I KNOW she will see it.
I think part of the problem is that the ones who have it all together (seemingly) are also the ones who have the money to attend all these events, the ones who have the time to find and the cash to buy the EXACT outfit that is the perfect balance of ___ and ____ (fill in your own blanks), the time to come up with all the witty responses on twitter… and they all already know each other because they’ve been running this circuit for a couple years’ worth of multiple conventions.
Last year during all the BlogHer posts, I wanted SO BADLY to go to this year’s BlogHer. Now? I realized that if I went, I would have a VERY small chance of anyone even knowing who I am. Certainly not reading my blog- anyone who knows me would know me from twitter or from comments on their own blogs. Unlike a bunch of you guys, I am not shy at all, although I am really selfconscious with this extra 40 lbs after the second baby in 2 years, and again with the babies and with other stuff going on in this household I have made exactly two friends [like "hey you want to hang out some afternoon" friends] in real life since I moved to Texas in 2005, so I’m not exactly fresh on that skill.
Ah well. At any rate, just a little bit of commiseration and letting you know that even if I only ever meet you online, I like you.
You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and gosh darn it, I like you!
You are so frickin brave, i don’t even know where to start!
if your daughter came to you and told you all of those things what would you say to her?
wow. I could have written this!
This describes- to a T- a night that I ventured out to play Bunco with some fellow school moms. I remember standing there focusing on 3 different conversations and looking for a place to leap in and once I did, I was mostly ignored, so I went and sat down by myself. HUMILIATING! Then I remember why I started blogging and didn’t like any of the moms at that school.
I think so many of us feel that exact same inadequacies. For me, and sounds like you, it’s our lack of confidence. For what it’s worth- I think you look magnificent and I would grab you to get a picture taken with you in a heartbeat!
Oh, man. This is so me. Add to it that I have aphasia (thanks to three very unfortunate encounters between my head and very hard surfaces) and it can be really interesting.
I freeze when I’m in groups. My mind works fine, but the words can’t come out of my mouth. I physically cannot get them out. And if I do manage to get words out, they typically are in the wrong order or they don’t make sense, or something.
And I’m always the one nearly pressed up against the wall unless I have someone with me that I know. Even in places where I know most of the people. I’m also extremely shy. I don’t do well as the center of attention and I can’t handle large groups of new people without getting the shakes.
I knew I wasn’t ready to handle something as intense as BlogHer and New York at the same time, so I opted out. I couldn’t have done that even with a support team. You are so brave to keep putting yourself out there. And THAT’s what Maia will see when she sees her mom (well, not when she’s a teen; then you’ll just be an embarrassment, but weren’t all of our mothers, too?). Be proud of who you are and know that probably 90% of the women that you met didn’t feel like they fit in either and also hate seeing themselves in the pictures.
I have often felt the way you do described in this post. You may be shy, but you are beautiful and had I been there I would have insisted on a picture of you. Of course I would have sat by you and had a clean plate as well.
I think lots of people feel the same way you do. I know that I often feel on the outside looking in. I think it is also very likely that many of those people at that event with you felt just as awkward and out of place and they thought you looked chic and put together and confident. Hell, the woman who commented on your plate might have been beating herself up for saying that.
You are smart and beautiful and your daughter will be proud of you because you are a good person and mother. And when I see you at Blogher I will absolutely grab you for a photo!
I could go on and on about your great qualities–as your mom, it brakes my heart eveytime I hear that you are in pain. But, I am glad I waited until all these other people responded because hopefully you will see how great you are, through them.
I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t have insecurities, either like yours, or something else.
As for Maia being proud of you–aren’t you proud of me? I know you are. For what?–God only knows as I really haven’t accomplished crap w/my life (as far as I’m concerned..sound familiar?) I feel you are proud of me because you know I did the best I could, and that is why Maia will always be proud of you too….and so will I.
I have all the education in the world, a solid income and career – but I still have self esteem at negative levels. And I’m terribly shy.
I wish I had talked to you more when I met you in person last summer at the pre BlogHer get together. But I am shy! So I hope to remedy that in the future, next time we meet.
I recently wrote that I am trying to do something about my self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness. I hope that you can get there, too. Because you are totally worthy.
“That is often how I feel on Twitter, while I see others in constant conversation and steadily wowing people with their wit and humor.”
“Last year during all the BlogHer posts, I wanted SO BADLY to go to this year’s BlogHer. Now? I realized that if I went, I would have a VERY small chance of anyone even knowing who I am. Certainly not reading my blog- anyone who knows me would know me from twitter or from comments on their own blogs. ”
The two ladies that posted this… this is exactly how I feel.
My blog is tiny, and new. I had another blog for years, almost as long as the popular ones, but I never gained a following. Now I visit blogs and I comment, but rarely get a response when I do. On Twitter I try to join in conversations (even those that follow me) and I’m mainly ignored. It’s hurtful when you just want to be a part of something. I’ve even asked direct questions, and been ignored. Wow… it’s harsh. A joke, a conversation, a community… and you are left out. People don’t even realize they are doing it I think.
Don’t worry about your daughter looking up to her… college, run away, drop out… she won’t see all of that. She will see her mommy. HUGS
Oh, honey. Can I tell you a secret? (which is totally not a secret b/c I talk about it on twitter & on my blog) I hide in the bathroom and my hotel room at networking events, conferences, seminars, anytime there are big groups of people. Including events where I am a freaking speaker. I seriously will go sit on the toilet and tweet for 20 minutes because I can’t deal w/ the “networking break” in between speakers. I never go up to strangers and talk to them. I have learned to be able to speak to people at my table, but I still am freaked out about it. I also hide in a corner and tweet on my iPhone … just to not look like an idiot who has no one to talk to.
It’s not just about being shy. It’s also about the energy of the room, all those people. I’m an introvert and sensitive, and I just can’t take all of that energy and chaos. So now I’m kind to myself … and know that sometimes I just can’t do the networking thing. You may be like that too.
And … one of the best things you can do is what you already have done, tell everyone that you feel this way. Because now everyone knows to come up to you at the next event and talk to you, that you want to engage but are shy and need to be approached. The most brave thing to do is to confess what you are feeling so everyone can help you.
::hug::
T – Maia is absolutely lucky to have a mom like you, one who cares about her, one who loves her, one who breastfeeds
her, one who kisses her, one who plays with her, and Chris is damn lucky to have you as his wife. Apparently you’re an awesome cook!
We all go through patches in our lives where we are “unhappy” with ourselves, and we all have BAD hair and BAD face days! Although that picture is not a bad one of you at all! Silly girl.
It takes one hell of a woman to be so honest about herself and post an entry like this. What’s important at the end of the day? Maia, you and Chris, if other things need (or you want to) tweak, then do so, but just remember that they love you for you.
And holy crap, when I eat steak in a restaurant, I eat it when it’s warm, THEN I will talk to others. Priorities girl! Chin up.
Oh darling mama. I think you look lovely. And I feel the same way in groups of new people. So much that I’m already starting to have a little BlogHer anxiety. And I’m way more shy in real life than I appear to be on my blog. I get it. I also think that part of it could be from the treatment you endured that you wrote about on VU, because I know my self-perception is influenced by my experience as well. Just cling to the lovely person everybody is talking about here, because we won’t steer you wrong. hugs.
I’ve been reading your blog for a while, but haven’t commented yet – sorry! I felt I had to say something. First of all, this was such an honest, beautifully written post. I, too, and much bolder on the web than I am in real life. I’m always shy and unsure when I first meet people and I’ve been perceived as bitchy because I’m so quiet – I just have no idea where to jump in. It’s something I wish I could change about myself, but it’s really hard.
Secondly, I don’t know except from your blog, but I can honestly say that I think your daughter has a lot to be proud of! You have a wonderful way with words, you’re beautiful, and you seem like an amazing mother.
Are we twins? We’re we at the same affair? How come we can be so outgoing on line and we can’t transfer that into real life? I am working on it. And this last time I took my husband (who actually suffers from social anxiety), and he stood behind and whispered in my ear “go on, go introduce yourself” “you can do it” “don’t be shy” It was amazing what that quiet voice did for me.
I’m honestly blown away by the responses here — not only the support, but the voices saying “Me too”. I do keep putting myself out there, trying to be social (I went to a local tweet-up on my birthday that was just disastrous for me — I said nary a word to anyone and then left as soon as I finished eating), and I keep clamming up and feeling like I have nothing to say, nothing to offer.
An amazingly brave post. Whether it’s on your blog or in person, it’s still ‘you’. I hope we meet in person someday so I can wrap my arm around your shoulder and say, “Hey! Someone take a picture of us!!”
I’ll add another ‘me too’. I’m currently flailing about going to playgroup today – I feel so awkward every time. And when I do join in conversations? I stuff it up. I say something stupid or conversation halting or inadvertently awful and I’m right back in high school. I’m lucky enough that there’s a few really nice women who persevered and I make an effort to hang out with them one on one, but even then I’m awkward. It’s just how I am.
I can totally relate to this post – I’m painfully shy (me too me too), although I’ve learned to cover it up, somewhat. But put me in a group situation and I am petrified…
Just hang in there and keep putting yourself out there. All you can do is try…
I WANT MORE THAN ONE PHOTO WITH YOU AT BLOGHER.
I think you are beautiful. You are smart. You are funny. You can do anything you want and it’s ok if you haven’t figured out what you want to do yet either.
I find it much, much easier to talk to people through Twitter and IM, emails, etc. When write I get to edit. When I speak, I have to filter and sometimes the filter gets clogged. I usually don’t have too much trouble talking to people but I completely over-analyze everything after and DIE inside about how silly I must have sounded.
I seriously can’t wait to meet you in person. I love you to pieces.
Once upon a time there was a girl. She didn’t talk, she had one friend, she knew she was someone and knew she had things to say. She didn’t know how and tried to hide herself away. One day she made a big brave decision and decided to open her mouth and say something. She blushed and felt the worst she’d ever felt. She did theatre and created a character – those two situations were the most liberating of her life. That girl is a woman who is a speaker, teacher, often standing before crowds of hundreds. She makes people laugh and loves who she is and what she’s become. The moral of the story? She found her passion – working to empower others to feel fab in who they are. She created a business that does that work, because of awesome, terrific, amazing women like you who are brave enough to say I don’t know who I am, what I need to do, where I need to go or who’s going to support me. Just telling your story tells alot about who you are, your character and the strong sense of self you have as a woman. Hurray for your convictions and p.s. you are beautiful – just look at that photo!!
smooches and hugs
Auntie Laurel
I can’t wait to get my hands on you at blogher – we are SO having our picture taken together. I am not shy but I still feel inadequate and self conscious of MANY of the same things you do. In fact I have a post scheduled for tomorrow that touches on this a bit. I think you’re fantastic. And I’m sad that you didn’t have the experience you deserved. But you will
and your Maia has plenty to be proud of in her beautiful mama xo
We all struggle with our insecurities in social settings I think. I don’t think the woman meant to make you feel bad by her comment and was just trying to make conversation. Now I feel bad for not chatting you up more when we met
Although I was feeling really nervous and insecure about myself that night lol
Lady, I would totally take a picture with you. And then we could sit there and talk about how awkward and weird we both feel around large groups of people that we haven’t met in person before.
And you? Stop being so hard on yourself. You are a good mother, and have many, many qualities Maia will be proud of one day. When she’s done being a teenager. lol
i read this post yesterday but have been sitting on a comment — sometimes it takes me awhile, too, to come up with the words i want to say.
sometimes i wish i had the courage i see in these kiddos who have no fear, no anxiety, no self-consciousness. i hate that we learn these things.
sometimes being an adult is hard, and by that i mean being without the built-in communities (of school, of teams, of … not that those can’t be lonely places too). liking myself first, and believing i am likable is something i’ve had to work on as an adult.
it seems like you *are* starting on a path of self-worth and acceptance, merely by stating the words. and for that i commend you. *hugs*
Those are thoughts I struggle with as well. I love twitter, I love all the relationships I’ve made on twitter. And someday, I hope to meet all the wonderful people I chat with every day. On the other hand, so many seem to be smart, savvy business women, and I feel I pale in comparison to others’ accomplishments. I often wonder if I would choose the right clothes to wear and choose the right words to say.
Thank you for sharing!
PS…Maia has the BEST mama in the whole wide world. She has a mama who loves the fuck right out of her. She has a smart, beautiful mama who will stop at nothing to make sure her little girl has everything she needs.
Dude, I would totally drive to Canada to eat steak with you and get my picture taken. Name the date, I’m bringing the boys with me. I apologize for your apartment in advance.
I always hate events like this too (by the way, what the hell was it?) I’m terrified to go to Blogher. I don’t even think I’m going (haven’t been blogging all the consistently, either, so, there’s that.) And hell, I am a paid public speaker!!! And I front a band!! How lame is that? I also feel like I have nothing to say, not funny enough, not smart enough. Definitely not young enough, not cool enough. Whatever. Why, oh why do we do this to ourselves?
You are the definition of awesome. Anyone who reads you knows that. If those people don’t, then their total loss.
H.G. Wells, President Andrew Jackson, Ray Charles and Dizzy Gillespie (to name a few) were high school dropouts. Hundreds if not thousands of highly successful, talented, brilliant people have held “minimum wage” jobs.
Do not “label” yourself. These actions or states of being or jobs are passing moments, are parts of a whole – they are not YOU. And as long as you beat yourself up with silly labels and talk about yourself in such a disrespectful and demeaning light, then you have no chance of becoming that confident, amazing, self-assured person you were MOST CERTAINLY born to be.
When you feel bad for yourself, look at pictures of the families in Darfur or Haiti. You will be thankful for your job, you will be thankful that you ran away and survived – THRIVED even, you will be bursting with happiness that you have the CHOICE to sit with women and feel a tad out of synch, you will become the owner of your life again.
Oh yeah. It’s always harder to be ones authentic self (and feel good about it) when one is in comparison with others or trying to fit in. It takes a lot of bravery to go out and meet with total strangers, and then it takes some positive self-talk to work with the inevitable missteps. It’s all a learning process!
I used to not say a word around new people, but now, it’s often hard to get me to shut up, which has its own issues. I often come home feeling like a fool, just as self-critical and eager for connection, but shy and uncertain about making it happen. I’ve found it takes *practice* and being generously encouraging and forgiving with oneself. And as someone else said, it may take some time to find “your people” as well.