I introduced myself as a “writer” at our CPR course this afternoon, because I felt ashamed to call myself (just) a “blogger”.
I’d rather be a writer who blogs than a blogger who writes.
The other woman who was part of the class — and 36 weeks pregnant! — told me that blogging is the wave of the future, and while I agree in theory, I still feel… funny… introducing myself that way. “Hi, I’m Tatiana, and I’m a blogger.” As I explained, 13 year olds on MySpace are also “bloggers”.
But then, there are numerous professional bloggers, people who get paid to write editorial-style pieces. Perhaps there’s not so much of a stigma attached to it in the public eye as I feel like there is. Maybe my hesitance is born from the fact that I’m a “mommy blogger”, a title that has been growing increasingly derogatory as the dramas of this summer continue, even among those I’d consider my peers.
Sometimes, though, I have to laugh at myself. I suppose what I’m going through recently is the existential crisis that plagues twenty-somethings. I always assumed I’d skip it and that I knew myself, but I look back at who I was when I turned 20 as compared to who I am now and I’m hardly the same.
Then again, I’m not even the same person I was six months and one week ago.
I think I’m better now, in some ways. I love my family, appreciate life, and trust myself more. Yet at the same time I’ve found such anger smouldering inside and have rediscovered the genuinely hurtful side of my personality that dominated my teenage years, and Chris is the person who bears the brunt of that. Sometimes I feel like I use all my love on Maia, so when I turn to him or the dogs, I have nothing left but frustration and fury. They deserve better.
Most days, being a wife is harder than being a mother.
Motherhood comes instinctively and innately. There is not a cell in my body that is satisfied when she is hurt. I’ve never snarled something intentionally cruel at her and stalked away. I’ve never sat in self-righteous indignity with my back turned to her. Yet I’ve felt and done all those things to Chris since we brought her into this world.
The truly sad part is that I try to be a better wife, a better woman, and I fail. Miserably.
You know that “50% of all marriages end in divorce” wisdom that is so prevalent? I wonder how many of those marriages involve children.
Balancing these dual identities — wife, mother; husband, father — is the real challenge of parenting thus far. I wonder how long it will take for me to figure it out.
Because this is difficult. Sometimes it’s downright impossible.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
People say marriage is a 50/50 thing. That’s crap. Marriage is a 60/40 thing..or a 70/30 thing…even a 99/1 thing. When you are carrying the marriage you know it. When the other person is carrying the marriage, you are probably oblivious to it.
Babies change the family dynamic like nothing else, but so does getting new jobs, making new friends, moving, etc. Somehow the light has to go “on” in each of you, when things aren’t going great…and time needs to be spent working on finding a common ground. Raising a baby is hard, but I think having a good marriage is even harder. One word: Communication.
I feel you on SO much of this.
As Gala said communication is key and I’m going to add really hard. Some days I really need to talk to Waldo but I know he’s had a long/hard day so sometimes I feel its easier to keep it to myself, but that isn’t the best option for anyone.
Here’s the thing, and they don’t tell you this in the fairy tales: marriage is work. An enormous amount of effort must go into preserving it. Always. There will be bad days and good days. Hell, I suspect over the lifetime of a 50 or 60 year marriage there will be bad weeks or months maybe even years, but you work through them. Talk to Chris. Tell him how you feel. Tell him what you expect of him. Ask him what he expects of you. Sometimes just getting on the same page is half the battle. And get out on your own. Take a class at community college. Join a book club. Something that is all yours. That gets you away from the house and the baby, if only for a couple of hours a month. It will help. Trust me.
Wow. I can relate so easily to this , so easily!
Ohhhh! What a great post! Are we living parallel lives? It seems so!
I don’t say I’m a blogger, either. Mostly I say I’m an ‘aspiring writer’. Because, like you, I would rather be a writer who blogs. Although I’m a little ashamed to admit that, it’s the truth.
And I hear you on the 20-something angst. Only I’m a 30-something. Sadly, for me, it hasn’t gotten better. But I still have small kids and I was just laid off, so I’m trying to cut myself some slack.
Yeah, if I use the term “blogger” I get this confused look. So I just use my regular job: Society Editor at a small paper. Sometimes I still get a confused look. Or one of “pity.” So then I say: “But I write a column for the paper too and stories when they’re needed.”
I know what you mean about the marriage stuff. I seem to have a lot more kindness toward my son than my husband. Then there are the times where I feel drained from giving all my attention to my son and my husband misses out. That pretty much sucks.
I don’t like any labels… wife freaks me out, mother sounds too prudish, blogger too trendy, and writer just a lie.
maybe I have no idea who I am.
People talk about parenting needing a manual? I think being a spouse with children needs a manual. Never have I felt so inept at being a wife! I struggle with parenting issues but I am completely wiped by the ones in my marriage. Help = I know what you mean.