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Insomnia
Published August 6, 2009 | 
I think about things that will never happen.
Lying in bed, on my side. Roll to my other side. Flip to my stomach. Lie on my back.
Stare at the ceiling. My husband. Our daughter. My hands.
Become convinced that I am losing feeling in them. That they’re cold, and I don’t know it. That this cold sweeps up my arms, through my core, down my legs. My entire body tingles. My head spins.
But it doesn’t. I can feel my hands. They’re not cold. My body does not tingle. My head does not spin. I am just me, in bed, restless, my mind working too fast.
I am petrified that I will die young.
I am perfectly healthy, I always have been. I feel fine, normal, when I hold my daughter, or my husband holds me. I never want to hurt myself or anyone else. I never think of my family being hurt. Just me, by something out of my control. There is no reason for this fear.
And yet… yet… when I am alone, I think of the scenarios.
I think of dying suddenly, in my sleep. Chris gets ready for work in the dark, presses a kiss to my cheek as he leaves, doesn’t notice anything wrong. How many times would he call home with no answer before he realized something was wrong and sent someone to check on us? How long would Maia be alone, screaming for love, food, and comfort?
I think of receiving the prognosis that I am sick, very sick. Incurably sick. I think of being told that I will not see my daughter grow up. That she won’t remember me. That I’ll be an urn on a mantle, a rock in a graveyard, a picture on a wall. That once a year her father will take her to mourn me, and she’ll be angry that she never knew me, that I left her.
I sit here in tears, sniffling, fingers trembling, my throat tight. Typing. Recording. Acknowledging.
Maybe this is dietary. Maybe it’s hormonal. Maybe something minor is wrong, and in my paranoia I imagine it greater than it is.
I just want to get past this. It’s new, only coming upon me in the past few weeks, and it’s disturbing. I used to imagine relatively harmless things, like the fire alarm going off.
Outside, someone beeps the horn of their car, long and loud. Over the monitor, I hear Maia whimper and roll, her sleep compromised for a moment. I imagine the beep to be a warning that something is wrong, someone is coming into the apartment building with less than friendly intentions. Am I too close to the entrances of the building? Is the phone within arm’s reach to call for help?
I don’t like our family doctor. I don’t feel like we communicate with one another. I should call my midwives and ask them for their opinions.
I should have talked to Chris about these feelings as soon as they started.
But I’m talking to you. And that’s something.
I don’t know what to do.
I feel better just for having typed this. Marginally.
i wish i had some super awesome advice :[ worst comment on a blog ever i know, but if this is persistant enough to keep you up night after night, i think it’d be best to see someone before the lack of sleep starts interfering with how you function during the day
OMG are you sure youre not me?
The same thing happens to me and I blame just that, Insomnia.
It sucks and I dont want to go to the doctor and tell them about my worst-case scenarious and then I’ll be put into a crazyhouse with a straitjacket.
I just wanted to say that… I so get you!
If you are loosing sleep over this, I would talk to someone. I had massive anxiety about my son falling or me accidentally dropping him over the side of the ferry. I would lay awake like you thinking what would I do? How would I save him?
After a few weeks. I called my doc.
I think thinking these things sometimes is normal, we are moms, worrying like this is not uncommon. However if it’s making your quality of life change I urge you to at least talk to a professional and see if you want , need or maybe don’t need to take action.
(((hugs))))
ps I still avoid a certain way to the grocery store on foot because i am convinced there is a bear in the woods next to it and I can’t figure out how I’d fight it off. Yes I lay awake some nights trying to make my plan. But only some nights.
@Becky – Honestly, just commenting is enough, you know? just knowing that someone out there was moved enough to say something at all is helpful.
@Pamela – I worry about someone reading this and thinking less of me as a mother for it.
@Allie – The bear story made me smile and nod in agreement. it’s exactly the sort of “irrational in reality but totally happens in my head” thing that I’m talking about. thank you.
Good for you for owning your fears, for making them known and being brave enough to put them out there.
I think ‘new mom syndrome’ is a hard one to deal with sometimes.
I often feel as though something terrible is going to happen. That she’ll fall down the stairs, stop breathing, grow up and hate me, that I’ll end up a single mother, that I’m doing something horrible & don’t realize it.
I’ve also gone through bouts of insomnia myself — in university there was a point where I needed nyquil to fall asleep.
I send my love to you and best wishes for things to settle.
You’re a fabulous mama — just look at that sweet babe of yours ^_^
Peace!
I feel like an idiot. I lay awake in bed last night for hours, lost in my head. I should have come to Twitter. Maybe we could have gotten through the nonsense together.
I don’t want to write a novel in your comments, so I’ll email you. For now, I’ll just say, I know what that feels like. Big hugs.
First of all, don’t be afraid of your thoughts/feelings. Everyone goes through some type of feelings of mortality/depression, etc. in their lives–if they don’t admit it, then they are just liars. You have had major life changes in the last 5 years, cut yourself some slack. When you have children you realize how “weird” life is. One minute you are here…the next you may not be. Many times in my life, I would get so worried about “what if’s” it would start to consume me. I could always get myself out of it before I sought professional help, but if I couldn’t I KNOW I would have asked for help. The one time it really sticks out in my mind is after we moved back to CT. For some reason I got REALLY paranoid that I would start having the issues my mother has. I mean I was terrified that I would really become her (I know that is a a common thread for jokes, but this is not a joking matter–my mother has issues, lets leave it at that.) Honestly, I don’t know how I got out of that funk, but I would like to think it was because I had something else more fun to think about!
As for when you are in bed…you have to learn some relaxation techniques, and use them. My mind is VERY active at night, and if I really start thinking about life, I would be up all night too. So, when I feel one of those nights, I try to concentrate on relaxing my toes, and slowly moving up…or the best sleep aid–Fruit alphabet!!
Psychiatrists are expensive.
Friends are free.
Though, knowing me, you get what you pay for.
Everyone has worries and fears, and all deal with them in different ways. You writing this means you’re dealing with them, which is more then some people do.
You’ve got many friends willing to listen and offer what meager advice they can.
“Bacon solves all.”
And that’s a good thing.
I had the same fear when my daughter was small and we were home together that first year. My husband was in Afghanistan for 4 months last year and that brought those fears back. I don’t know that it’s new mom fear as much as mom fear. If it is stopping you from doing regular things, I’d seek help. The most important thing we can do for our kids is to keep ourselves healthy. But if talking to us helps, let’s go with that.
My tip would be to snuggle your baby when you’re stressed. The smell and sound of her safe and sleeping body might do the trick in relaxing you and focusing you on what is real at that particular moment in time.
Take care of yourself.
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re feeling that way. I wish I had some solid advice other than what some of the others have already said – if it’s keeping you up try to see someone about it. If it’s any consolation I also have “panic inducing” thoughts about something happening to me or worse yet “Baby”. Maybe it is new mom syndrome.
You’ve made an important step in sharing how you feel on this blog. We’re all thinking about you.
All the best,
humps
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I have these same thoughts and have been going through this too. This…this hit me where I needed it right now. To know that I am not alone.
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in these feelings. I think, on some level, they are perfectly normal. I have five children, I love them to pieces and occasionally I think, “Why did I ever have children” because the responsibility is so great. Not just their daily care, feeding, comfort, shelter, clothing but the responsibility of bearing witness. Of not missing a thing. I sometimes feel that exact panic. The crush of my own mortality is so great that I can almost feel it sitting on my chest. I worry about all the things I would miss and I worry about the pain it would cause them to have me miss it. It’s not just death or serious illness but any illness at all. When my eldest daughter was 4 and in Pre-school she was going to be a acrobat in the play they were putting on. The night before both my husband and I came down with the worst stomach flu and my grandmother had to drive over in the morning and pick up the children and bring them to her house for the day. She missed the play. I know I couldn’t help it. I know I was sick. But the guilt! The worst part was she did blame me. For years she would occasionally bring it up and say, “Remember when I was going to be an acrobat and then you I wasn’t allowed to go?” It’s only now, at 11 years old, she can understand it wasn’t something I did deliberately. Even though she has forgiven me, I still feel awful about it.
Motherhood is a hard gig. Really hard. Hang in there.
i could have written this post. i’m not kidding. i could have. i feel like crying right now.
i don’t sleep. i’m anxious about everything. i just wrote a post…and marked it anonymous…over on jello.
just know, as little as this may help…you aren’t alone.
xo
All the support everyone is expressing here is really, really touching and awesome. Although in some ways I really hate that so many of us have experienced this gut-wrenching, heart-breaking terror, it’s comforting to know I’m not alone in feeling this way.
This motherhood gig is even more treacherous than anticipated!
So I am very late to the party but I have an excuse. We have been on the OR coast out of reach of the online world.
And I know exactly how you feel. Sounds like anxiety, which I have also struggled with on and off for almost a decade now. Most acutely in graduate school for sure but after Lukas was born I found the awful thought patterns starting to creep back in. Hormones play a role as does lack of sleep. For me it helped to identify where it was coming from. Everyone is very different but my anxiety comes from feelings of inadequacy. And like you my anxiety manifested what I believed was a physical problem. My poor GI tract actually took the brunt of it and at several points in graduate school was so skinny I looked like a skeleton.
How to deal with it again depends on the person but for me a top-down (cognitive) approach has worked the best. That is essentially to attempt to reason your way through why you are feeling the way you do and then demonstrate to yourself why the way you feel is not a reflection on reality. It sounds much easier than it is in reality and requires constant maintenance. For example, “I am young and healthy and just naturally birthed an incredibly healthy baby and people on their death bed do not do that so there is NO way I am dying”.
Some people find that distraction is more effective, others find that if they just give into the feeling instead of fighting it, it disappears. I also swear by an incredibly grueling workout as well to make you feel much better both acutely and chronically. Going to talk to a counselor for me was useful mainly to discuss various strategies since I was determined not to take medication for the problem (no judgment on anyone who does and for many it is a life-saver but studies show that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is equally if not more effective ), however, the hard work of getting rid of the awful thought patterns has to be done by you.
Get me on FB/e-mail if you want to chat more, I would be happy to listen or give advice or whatever. Like what is echoed by many people above owning up to it is incredibly brave and hard to do. I kept it secret for a long time fearing that people would think I was weak or crazy and that was only aggravating the problem.
And yes this new mom thing is quite treacherous, good thing we get a cute baby out of it
.
Hugs from my family to yours.
Hug.
I am so behind in my reader.
I often have daymares (daydreaming nightmares) of what would happen if something happened to me or my kids or my loved ones. If you are consumed by these thoughts you should talk to someone. I get it that it can be overwhelming. I can make myself sob thinking these things too. You know you can talk to me IRL if you want/need to, right? I’m here for you!!!
There’s a breathing exercise that I find really helps with getting to sleep. You breathe in for 4 counts, hold your breath for 7 counts, and breathe out for eight counts. You’re supposed to do it for at least 3 cycles, but I often just do it until I fall asleep. A bonus is that you’re so busy counting that the other disruptive thoughts don’t have any room.
Hope that helps!
I wish I was close enough to hug you. {{{{{{hugs}}}}}} I’m so sorry that you are feeling like this and wish I could help in some way. I’m almost always around if you want to chat. But more important then talking to any of us friends I think you need to talk to Chris and your midwives. You have a lot going on in your life and maybe just talking to Chris will help.
You’re in my thoughts.
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