- We are both still awake, and there are birds chirping outside and What. The. Fuck.
- Way, way too many skinny, pale, almost-vaguely-ethnic, blonde chicks up in my fashion editorials right now. Diversity, PLEASE.
Booty.
Published June 13, 2011 | 
There’s something weird going on with our downstairs neighbours. By “weird”, I mean that there’s a woman who is always drunk, a man who is loud and cranky and hates when Maia or the little girl next door play on the balconies, and frequent police visits. Living in an apartment building is full of such joys.
Chris and Maia are bffs. Once he gets home, she latches onto him and wants nothing to do with me. So the other night, they’re out on the balcony together barbequeing and chatting with each other, and every time I try to come out she looks at me, holds her hand up, palm out, and demands, “Shoo, Mama! Shoo!” Of course, this results in me coming out just to make her tell me to shoo, because it’s hilarious.
Then the police pull up because there’s another call about the dumbs downstairs. Chris comes into the house and tells me, “There’s a kinda hot policeman out there, you might want to take a look.” I love my husband. I also love eye candy. So I go out there to look.
Miss Maia walks over to me, grabs my ass, and starts shouting, “BOOTY! BOOTY! BOOTY MAMA!” The somewhat hot policeman looks up at me. I look down at him. I’m ten thousand shades of red, have no makeup on, no bra, mom hair, and a toddler hanging off my ass informing the entire world that I do, indeed, have a BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY in between giggles that resulted from her father’s boisterous laughter. I fled back into the house so quickly.
These are the joys of parenting that no one ever tells you about.
Girl Talk Thursday 11
Published June 4, 2009 | Girl Talk Thursday is Mommy Melee‘s weekly event, and I really love participating, so here it comes: my thoughts on the topic of “Booze. Booze. Booze.”
BOOOOOOOZE.
Oh, booze. You and I had a funny beginning. And by funny, I mean terrifying.
You see, on my 17th birthday, I filled a travel coffee mug with Hot Damn! cinnamon Schnapps, which I had sampled once while working at Dunkin’ Donuts when my 19 year old manager brought in a few shots (there were a lot of reasons I loved that job…)
Filling a travel mug with alcohol is not, in and of itself, a horrible thing. However, bringing it to school is. Drinking it during French class at 10am is. Waving your arms in the air to answer every question in English class while your classmates hiss at you, “TATIANA, DON’T TALK, YOU’RE DRUNK” is. Being so drunk that you go to your English teacher 20 minutes before school lets out and sobbing to him that you are so sorry that you were drunk during his class is definitely and unequivocally a horrible thing.
My poor English teacher. He was a very straight-laced, very Christian, very cute man. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to report me to the administration, because he liked me and I was obviously quite repentant for what I’d done, but he also valued his job, so… to the administration it was.
The administrator in question was Mr. PolishG, a round, awesome Polish dude with glasses. Every student loved him when he was happy, and feared him when he was angry. He was astonished to see me enter his office for this offense.
Well, eventually my mother showed up, and she talked to Mr. PolishG in Polish since it’s her native tongue, and fortunately this bonding experience lowered my punishment to the absolute minimum: a 5 day suspension.
So Mom drives me home, and it’s my birthday, and we get to the house and people sing Happy Birthday to me, and I blow out the candles on my cake and I think I got to open my presents, and then I was sent to my room FOR THE REST OF MY NATURAL LIFE.
Not really, since obviously I’m still alive and I’m no longer in my room, but point being… it was a pretty interesting introduction to booze.
These days, my drinking is much less eventful. I waver between vodka & cranberry juice or amaretto & cola being my favourite mixed drink. I love mojitos when they’re properly made, even if I can’t figure out how to keep the mint from floating to the top of the glass and interfering with every sip when I mix them myselves. I have fantasies about margaritas, but not the frozen/slushy ones, and they must have lots of salt.
I daydream about doing lemon drop shots. I toss a tsp of sugar in with my vodka and ice in a cocktail shaker, then strain it into a shot glass. Shoot the vodka and sugar, then bite down into a lemon wedge that has been dipped in sugar on both sides. Delish. I used to do these after work when I was a bartender — I had a particular customer who would buy me a whole row of shots if I let him. Don’t worry, I took a cab home!
Honestly though, I end up drinking wine most of the time. I’ve finally found one I quite enjoy — Vineland Estates 2007 Dry Riesling — and what makes me happiest about this is that they’re an Ontario vineyard. I really like to eat and buy locally whenever possible.
So… how do you feel about booze?
Mom Central & Me
Published May 30, 2009 | I have to admit, I’ve waffled about doing reviews on this site. I’m not interested in sites dedicated solely to doing product reviews, but then I realized that when a fellow blogger whose words I respect posts a review once in awhile (Michelle is especially great for this), I read it and I care.
So when I saw that Mom Central had established a Canadian presence and was looking for moms willing to join up, I leapt at the opportunity. From their email to me letting me know that I’d been accepted as part of their blog roll:
Mom Central is a one-stop online resource dedicated to providing busy moms with smart household and parenting solutions. As our founder Stacy DeBroff puts it, “I wanted to create a resource for busy Moms – a place where Moms can trust they’ll find helpful information they need to make their lives easier.” At Mom Central, you’ll find information on everything from toddler toys and baby-proofing to household finances and green living.
I have to admit, I’m stoked. I love the idea of reviewing products to benefit Maia, and I appreciate the opportunity to share information that other moms may find to be valuable. Hopefully, you will!
PS: They’re also accepting more moms. Sign-up for the testing panel and be entered to win one of 5 Canon PowerShot cameras.
Girl Talk Thursday 10
Published May 28, 2009 | Girl Talk Thursday is Mommy Melee‘s weekly event, and I really love the thought, so here it comes: my thoughts on the topic of “What’s your makeup regimen?”
Um, the vast majority of the time, I’m totally bare-faced. But I’m really trying to make the effort to take time for myself and to look decent when I step out of the house, which includes brushing my hair (gasp!) and putting on make-up (double gasp!)
I start with a Dove moisturizer. I LOVE DOVE. I use CoverGirl TruBlend foundation because it’s lovely and light feeling (also, cheap), although I’m not sure it actually matches my skin tone but hey, what the hell, at least I’m putting on make-up. Then, if I can find my powder, I allllways powder because I have ultra shiny skin and that’s just not attractive. I skip the eyeliner unless it’s an ultra-special occassion, although last week I found my white eyeliner in the glove compartment of the car which is just lovely dabbed at the inner corner of your eyes to make them pop, so I may go back to using that.
For eyeshadow, I generally just use a shimmery brown to brighten the blue of my eyes, although I have silver, white, blue, russet, purple, etc. I don’t tend to play with multiple colours on the different areas of my eyelid (unless I really want to impress someone) because, you know, I have a BABY who is most likely demanding my attention and if she isn’t, then my husband is tapping his foot waiting for me to get ready.
Lipstick I almost always skip because I don’t have a good colour that I like. I have wanted a vixen-esque, movie star bright red forever, but I’ve never taken the time to experiment with them. Chapstick and lip gloss is the name of the game, although a friend turned me on to that Sally Hansen lipgloss with pepper in it that’s supposed to make your lips a little more swollen and luscious — so far the only thing I’ve found it to be good for is making Chris cringe and howl, “What the fuck is on your lips?” after I kiss him.
Mascara, however, is a Must-Have. If I have time for nothing else, I have time for mascara. It makes such a difference — both physically and mentally — I feel all hot & sexy if I have mascara on! I go for the brown-black stuff, though, since I’ve got a fair/ashen complexion.
Holy guacamole
Published May 24, 2009 | 12 hours from now, we’ll be leaving. I can’t believe how fast it’s gone by.
Ugh.
Doin’ the tourist thing in Boston
Published May 23, 2009 | So, guess who forgot the digital camera at her mom’s house, and only realized this as we merged onto the Mass Pike? You get one guess.
We bought a little disposable up in the city and that was fun. The day wore us ALL out though.
More details when I get home. We’re going to watch WALL-E now!
Puppy Smuggler
Published January 19, 2009 | We’ve got a couch and a loveseat in our living room. The loveseat “belongs to the dogs”, we say, as they’ve got their toys, a sweater, a comforter, and god knows what else smuggled up there to cuddle with.
Last week, we implented a “no dogs on the couch” rule. They can be on their loveseat all they want, but the couch shouldn’t smell like dog and really, shouldn’t the humans own a piece of furniture? Easier said than done. Even with nothing on the couch that could be appealing to snuggle with, we’ll still catch them (okay, usually Joss) lying on it now and again. So all week, we’ve been having to yell at the dogs to GET DOWN and then telling them GOOD BOY/GIRL! when they jump up onto the loveseat again. It kind of breaks my heart in a way to tell Joss to get down off the couch, because his perky little ears droop so low, his tail goes far between his legs, his eyes get big and wet… and when I have to move him off the couch, he whines because he is just. that. unhappy.
Needless to say, Chris suspects that I am not enforcing the “no dogs on the couch” rule as firmly as I could be, although I am. Last night, we saw Buffy lying on the loveseat, but didn’t know if Joss was there. So my darling husband walks over to the couch and lifts up a pillow that’s tucked into the corner.
As in, to check if I put a pillow on top of Joss to make sure Chris wouldn’t see him lying on the couch.
WTF? I’m still laughing about it. Who knew I was so devious?
Fuck You Friday #1
Published January 16, 2009 | In solidarity with Cristin, and because I don’t really do any other memes so why not find one that plays into my innate bitchiness, here is the first (of many?) “Fuck You Friday” posts from me.
Fuck you, Apartment.
Fuck you for being so charming when we first came here.
Fuck you for seducing us with your big, bold balcony and being on the second floor so I know that firemen can rescue me if there’s a problem.
Fuck you for having some douchebag that scrawls “CLEAN UP YOUR DOG SHIT” on the doors to go outside. Who made them the poopie police?
Fuck you for all your issues that give me issues.
Fuck you for the garage construction project that’s been going on since October with no end in site, yet we’re still paying for parking even if our spot isn’t always ours.
Fuck you for the three washers that don’t have a reliable stream of hot water and the fact that sometimes your dryers take money off my card but won’t turn on.
Fuck you for not having any lights by the doors in the back where we take the dogs out. Do you know how many times I’ve fumbled with my keys while trying to open the door?
Furthermore, fuck you for there being no garbage cans outside for me to toss my baggies of dog poo in. Sometimes I throw my poo in the lobby trash can just out of spite because I hope it stinks in the morning when everyone is walking through. I especially hope the poopie police goes through the lobby on those mornings.
Keeping the Flame Alive
Published January 12, 2009 | I’m very lucky that Chris and I found one another; there isn’t a day that goes by when I’m not grateful for our marriage. Sure, we have rough patches here and there, but they usually happen because one or the other of us violates the ‘unwritten rules’ of our union. Since life is about to change so drastically, and I can’t predict what effect it’ll have on us or whether, a few years down the road, we’ll be so involved with our kid(s) that we forget the simple principles that have made the last five years so good, I thought I’d write a post about all the things that make us work:
Butt grabs: Poor Maia is probably going to think grabbing someone’s ass is an acceptable form of showing your interest in them, with as much tushie-touching as we have going on around here. Smacks, pinches, good old-fashioned gropes — it doesn’t matter, but my hands go to his rump almost subconsciously and I’m not sure he’s ever walked past me without returning the favour.
Embrace the future with optimism: Everyone has dark days. Sometimes those dark days aren’t just behind you, but they seem to be ahead of you too. It doesn’t matter; everything will look up eventually, and you need to be looking towards those brighter days with hope. Chris and I refuse to be motivated by fear, paranoia, or worry (of course, we don’t have a child here yet to make us feel like our hearts are walking around outside of our bodies), and we also try very hard to keep level heads and avoid being naive or starry-eyed about life. We feel like there is nothing the world can throw at us that we can’t handle as long as we stand together and support one another — the entire united we stand, divided we fall concept.
Never say something you don’t mean: A lot of couples threaten each other with ‘breaking up’ or ‘divorce’ or any other way of hurting one another, just out of anger. Neither of us has ever threatened something like “I’ll find someone else” or “you’ll come home one day and I’ll be gone”, because neither of us would follow through and it’s completely unproductive to scream emotional blackmail at someone you love just to hurt them. I think everyone has learned that lesson the hard way, whether you were the one making threats or the one taking them, and after both dealing and taking that pain, I won’t do it anymore. When I speak, I mean what I say; so does he.
Make each other laugh every day: Chris is way better at making me laugh than I am at getting him to laugh, but fortunately when I dissolve into laughter he tends to follow. It doesn’t matter what we’re laughing about, whether it’s the karma of pirates drowning after holding a tanker ransom, the way Joss goes into a frenzy for this certain clucky chicken toy, adding our own commentary in between CNN newscasters, or one of the hundreds of in-jokes we have — there is friendly laughter in our relationship every day, and it’s part of what keeps us close to one another.
Share the bed: No matter how pissed we may be at one another, no one has to sleep on the couch. It’s our bed. We both deserve to sleep in it, and even if we fall asleep with our backs turned to one another in annoyance, it’s still better than one of us being in another room. Although, I admit we rarely go to bed angry at one another, because of the following principle…
ALWAYS kiss and share an “I love you” before bed: There have been nights where I said “I love you” in the dullest possible monotone because I was just reciting it by rote, and there have been nights where our goodnight kiss probably resembled two chickens pecking at each other moreso than a loving couple saying goodnight to one another. It’s still a reminder of our physical and emotional connection, and a reminder that no matter how angry we might be at the situation we’re in, it’s temporary and we will move beyond it.
Girl Talk
Published January 8, 2009 | 
I have to admit, when a friend of mine recommended that I get ahold of the Girl Talk album, “Feed the Animals“, I thought he was completely insane. I mean, Girl Talk? WTF? That sounds suspiciously like a Pussycat Dolls-esque girl group. Okay, yes, certain PCD songs may be my dirty little secret, but an entire album?
How wrong I was. Now I understand why this has been listed as one of the greatest albums of 2008. It’s not even remotely a girl group album. You know every song that has a catchy beat or chorus or whatnot? Well, they’re ALL on this album. If you threw this album on at most any party, you’d have a very happy group of people there. It’s just a ton of samples layered over one another and it’s absolutely amazing. Like, let’s be real here — anything that layers Jay-Z’s “Roc Boys” over Radiohead’s “Paranoid Android” is pretty amazing in and of itself.
It was released under the Creative Commons license and is therefore FREE to download — it was released where people could “donate” if they wanted to, but it wasn’t required to download the entire album.
Click here to go to the download site. You can enter $0.00 as the price you are willing to pay, or donate to the creator; it’s your choice. But whatever you do, do it… and just enjoy some fun, bouncy music. This is the kind of shit that I could turn up really loudly and clean my house to!