exercise

So, it’s Friday. I woke up walking bow-legged with an ache in my shoulders and hips, trying to smile at the fact that today we’re heading out to the Stratford Shakespeare Festival to see Hamlet with my father-in-law. No, Chris and I didn’t have mad crazy monkey sex… we went to the gym two days in a row.

Wednesday was a free fitness assessment that’s included as part of our membership every three months. For about 90 minutes, an energetic 50 something mother of 4 named Georgina chatted with me about fitness and nutrition while pregnant (she’s a retired nurse). Oh, and while zooming around the gym at a pace that I have not moved at in… ever, maybe.

First, she put me on a stationary bike. This is cool, I think, I’ll get to chill and just ride a bike. “70 revolutions per minute! Push your heartrate up there!” she’s saying. Right. I’m dinking around at like 35, which is apparently so slow that the machine won’t even register it as someone being on and keeps shutting off so I have to start all over again. A woman three times my size comes in and sits on the bike next to me, pedalling away like the devil himself is on her ass and yet carrying on a conversation with my trainer as if this is the easiest thing in the world. “I burned 330 calories yesterday,” she tells Georgina with a grin. Eventually, I manage to get up to around 67 revolutions per minute, and that’s damned good enough for me. It takes approximately five hours for my heartrate to return to normal after doing this — alright, maybe not that long, but so long that she takes me off the bike and puts me on a walking machine.

“Don’t lose your concentration while you’re on here. In fact, take this little clip and hook it to your shirt, so in case you do start sliding off, it’ll stop automatically.” Alright, cool, I’m protecting myself from … myself. Georgina explains that it’s better for my hips and ankles to work on a 1.0 incline than a flat surface. Then she pumps the speed up from 0 to 2.4. “This is the speed geriatric old ladies walk in the mall in the morning,” she explains. I manage to smile and reply, “This is faster than I normally walk.” “That’s … too bad.  Speed up!”

Then it’s time to go work on some machines. This part I enjoy quite a lot, stretching my spine, working my legs etc. In fact, it must have been a downright pleasant experience, because I just remember chatting with Georgina. For every exercise we did, she told me the safe range for me to work within for the next few months (some things she told me to stop doing at 6 months, some at 7-8, etc), which machines I should avoid and why, all while explaining how the things she was showing me would help out with carrying and delivering the baby. So that really pleased me.

After this workout, we went back to her office and discussed nutrition more. This was the scary part. As a pregnant 25 year old woman, I should be bringing in 160g of protein a day… I had 53g. That is a lot of nutrition my baby is missing out on.

Then, since I’m a total noob at this exercise thing, we decided to go ahead and purchase me a few more hour long sessions with Georgina as my personal trainer. We got 8 sessions for $250, which is a REALLY great price, and Chris got a free demo session with a trainer there as well. Since we were all gung-ho about this exercise thing, the gym set up our demo sessions for the following day — Thursday — at 1pm.

Thursday comes around, 12:30 comes around, we head out. After a warm-up on the treadmills — on which I work off an astonishing 11 calories that Georgina greets with the same enthusiasm I imagine I’d muster if my child wiped a booger across my forearm — she introduces me to my pre-natal workout. The first thing I have to do are “box push-ups” (that is, push-ups while leaning on some sort of desk-height support) because even “lady push-ups” are too tough for me. Then there’s the assisted chin-up machine, which is sexy cause it stretches my back, and then a whole bunch of other crap. The few things that we do on the machines I take to pretty well, and I feel confident I can do them…

… so then, of course, we go to the aerobics studio and she introduces me to something called a “tricep kickback”.

THIS IS HARD. Oh sure, it looks innocent enough. I’m standing there with a 5 lb dumbbell, my entire body quivering as I strain to stretch this sumbitch out behind me. “Looks like we found your weak spot,” she says. I nod. I don’t think she made me do 15 reps (although that’s the number written down for my goal), but she did make me do two sets. For the second set, however, she let me put down the dumbbell…. and use just my fist. I’m ashamed to admit that although this was easier, I still trembled. But she patted me on the shoulder afterwards and with a huge grin said, “You’re a really fast learner! You’ll get it.”

Tomorrow we’re going to the gym again. Not for a training session, although I’m going to try and stick with the plan Georgina came up with for me.

But I’m going to look for the 2 lb weights for my poor little triceps.

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