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Oh my goodness…..
I am so tired.
My head is pounding, my eyes are aching, and my jaw hurts. The last, if you know me, is indicative of the fact that I have a brutal headache.
It’s almost 3am and I type this one-handed through a burning haze of frustrated tears. The other hand? It’s carrying Maia. She’s crying, too.
I’ve gotten less than one hour of unbroken sleep tonight. Hope your night is better.
3:30am: annnnd i’m so tired i failed to react quickly enough to her movement & she rolled right off the couch. i fucking fail at this being a parent thing.
5:30am: well, she finally fell asleep at 4. but now she’s wide awake again, rolling & raspberrying, and woke up once in the middle of this all to nurse as well. what the fuck? i hate this.

I’ve documented a lot about my little girl here. I’ve shared some of the highest highs, but I’ve avoided many of the lowest lows. It’s not that I don’t want to talk about them; I do. There are times I’ve felt so overwhelmed at how much work this motherhood thing requires that I’ve sobbed while holding my crying baby, times I’ve been so resentful towards her that I just wanted to pass her to someone else and walk away to regain my senses, times I’ve called Chris at work and hardly been able to speak through my tears. I don’t write about these things because I don’t want to relive them. I want to reread this blog in ten years as Maia does her homework on the kitchen table behind me and find myself smiling at the fond memories, wishing I could again experience the feverish, all-consuming need for one another we have right now.
I love my daughter. I love my husband. Those are immutable facts. I might as well say that I need air to live and water to thrive. But it’s also undeniable that my relationships with them change day-to-day, for better and for worse. Chris and I have argued and snapped at each other more in these past four and a half (!!) months than we have in the six years (as of today!) we’ve been together. It’s difficult. It’s really, really difficult. I hope that every pregnant woman out there understands one thing, though: YOU are the mother. YOU know best. You must listen to and consider other people, but never, ever go against what your heart and gut are telling you when it comes to your baby. Parenting is demanding enough without making it harder on yourself because of what a book, or your parents, or your frustrated partner suggest.
Truly, the struggle to accept that, since I set the basic parenting rules, I am responsible for maintaining them is the greatest frustration I’ve experienced so far. It puts a strain on my self-esteem, my marriage, and even at times my emotional stability. There is no way to explain to someone who hasn’t been here how absolutely low the lows can be. We all read about post-partum depression while we’re reading our pregnancy books, and I have to say that while I don’t believe I suffer from PPD, I do believe I’ve had some depressive episodes in the past four months. I think that’s an important distinction: for the vast majority of the time, I am delighted to be a wife and mother, I am confident in my ability to be fantastic at both, and I want nothing more than to be near my daughter and husband forever.
Yet there have been times that I think I’m a horrible wife and mother, that I’ll never make both of them and myself happy, or that if I could just get away from them for half an hour, the world would make sense again.
I know this isn’t the happiest blog post. But I tell you — you know what makes me feel better, when I feel low? Knowing that other women have been here.
So remember — when you are feeling despondent, when you doubt yourself, when you want to bury your face in a pillow and scream with frustration — you’re not alone. I know you feel like you are. But you’re not. We’ve all been there.
And fortunately, the highs outnumber the lows.

Welcome to My Baby’s Mind Mondays! If you’d like to participate, the url for the button is “http://averygoodyear.net/images/babysmindmondays.png” and I ask that you link it to “http://averygoodyear.net/?cat=192“. Leave a comment letting me know you’ve posted, and I’ll add a list of participants to the end of each weekly post. You can post about your 2 day old, your 2 year old, your 22 year old, your dog, the stray cat in your neighbourhood… whatever, if you call someone your baby, I want to know what you see when you peek into that mind!
Here’s the picture that inspired me this week:

Dear Mom,
You are my favourite person this week. Seriously. You can do no wrong. Oh sure, a few times I’ve thrown a nasty fit for what you thought was no reason, but really I was just keeping you on your toes. I can’t let you get too used to me being good, happy, and smiling!
But really, I am happy. The dogs make me smile. Sophie the Giraffe makes me smile. Singing, dancing, and talking with you all make me smile. I’ve finally figured out this ‘laughing’ thing that you seem to love so much, and it makes you and Daddy laugh too, so that’s even better.
Almost every day this week we’ve gone for a walk, and it’s so nice. Remember when we went to the park and watched those big boys and girls play on the jungle gym? That was so exciting. I can’t wait until I can do that. Then you sat on a swing with me in your lap and THAT was even BETTER!
This growing up thing is cool! Now to discover how to escape the Bumbo…
Love,
Maia.
I seriously love our Bumbo seat. It’s my most unexpectedly adored gift I got for the baby. It’s so convenient to tote around and she seems to enjoy her time in it. She loves to sit in the kitchen or out on the balcony with me, in her Bumbo, and she’ll just chat her little head off.
See her stiffening up her entire body trying to escape? She is such a brat!
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Don’t forget about my Babies of 2009 Carnival coming up on July 1st! Please help me spread the word.
I just want to share a few things with you today.
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Don’t forget about my Babies of 2009 Carnival coming up on July 1st! Please help me spread the word.
Chris headed out to ogle Megan Fox’s ass tonight (on the silver screen), so Maia and I had a Girl’s Night In. While I was looking for ideas as to what we should do, my mom sent this tweet:

Dude. Dude. That sounded perfect.
So Maia and I packed up and headed for the grocery store. Have I mentioned that I borrowed a pedometer from the library? I think so. In fact, I know I linked a picture of me wearing the pedometer attached to my undies because I couldn’t find any shorts on Twitter. That’s neither here nor there. What I’m trying to say is that I wore my pedometer to the grocery store.
Over the last two days of pedometry (wtf?) I’ve averaged 6,182 steps per day. Did you know that’s considered a “low active” lifestyle? Clearly they don’t account for the fact that I’m carrying 15 squirmy pounds in my arms for the majority of those steps, because I’m pretty sure that since the two of us equals two sets of feet I’m actually averaging 12,364 steps a day.
Point being, however, that right now, 10:35pm on Friday night, I’ve got 13,472 steps on my pedometer. 5,000 steps is approximately 1 kilometer (1.6 miles) so that should give you an idea as to how far we walked to the grocery store and back.
ANYHOW. Here’s what I (and by virtue of SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF ME, Maia) ate tonight:

Feta cheese. Pluots (plum/apricots, tasted just like plums). Lindt sea salt chocolate (I like the chili chocolate better but this is also good). Cherries hiding there on the right. “Very old” cheddar. French bread. YUM. Did you have any idea that feta and cherries are really great together? Then again, I think I’d like cherries with anything.
And then… the bubble bath.
So, Maia and I have taken a bath together once before, and it was kinda cute, but since she’s not sitting on her own and I didn’t really end up being able to clean myself, we haven’t done it since. Still, I thought a bubble bath sounded like a great idea and whipped out the bottle of bubbles I bought when I was pregnant (strawberry scented, too).
Let me tell you some interesting facts about bubble baths with babies: first off, it makes them about seventeen thousand times more slippery than usual. Maia squiggled and squirmed and tried very hard to slide out of my arms into the water. I had her sitting between my crossed legs with one arm wrapped around her chest and she STILL almost dunked herself several times.
Second: bubbles are fascinating. Maia kept reaching for them, so I’d push them in front of her. The first time she stuck her hand into a pile of bubbles, I saw her little fingers squeeze shut and her eyes open wide. You could tell she just did not comprehend how this could be. How could it not be there when she grabbed it? But then she started to smile and flop her hands and feet EVERYWHERE. So adorable.
Of course, once she had some bubbles stacked on her hands, she promptly tried to stick them in her mouth. This prompted another revelatory moment — and a bubble beard. I’m sorry I didn’t manage to take pictures, but with a gleeful, slippery baby in one hand, it just wasn’t possible.
Third interesting fact about bubble baths: when you are rinsing the shampoo out of your baby’s hair, and some water runs down her face, and she raises her bubble-covered hand to rub at her eye, she will then get soap in her eye and OH GOD THE WORLD IT MAKES NO SENSE HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME MOM?! Yes. That was an unpleasant moment, followed by a few more unpleasant ones as I tried to clean the soap out of her eye and bubbles off her hands (pro tip: use fresh water from the faucet, not the soapy water that’s already in the tub with you). By the time we got out of the bath we were both exhausted and not certain we even liked each other anymore.
Altogether, though, we actually had quite a lovely night. Now I know more about how to give bubble baths, AND I have some sweet food for tomorrow.
–

Don’t forget about my Babies of 2009 Carnival coming up on July 1st! Please help me spread the word.
We live close to Lake Ontario, and our city was holding a festival last weekend down on the boardwalk, so we went to check it out on Father’s Day. This means Maia got to see her first concert!
Hey, do you think these two MIGHT be related? I dunno, can you see a resemblance? I’m not sure I can….



And my favourite:

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Don’t forget about my Babies of 2009 Carnival coming up on July 1st! Please help me spread the word.
Holy moly, let’s talk about this, shall we?
My poor little child has become a restless monster at night. The girl who was going to bed quietly at 7:30 am and getting up at 7am with only one or two feedings is no more.
Last night:
7:30-8:30: fussy.
8:30-9: ear-piercingly fussy
9-11: Asleep. Is it even worth pointing out that 11 is when we went to bed? Nursed her back to sleep.
1am: Awake. Brief nurse to sleep.
3am: Awake. Brief nurse to sleep.
4am: Awake. Brief nurse to sleep.
5am: Wakes up crying. Pull her into bed, side-nurse while I try desperately to fall back to sleep. This takes awhile for us both as she keeps crying quietly and nuzzling against me.
6am: Wakes up grunting and trying to roll over against me. Very briefly nurse her to sleep, then lay her in the pack & play beside the bed where she usually sleeps, so she has more space.
7am: Awake and ready to get out of bed.
Fortunately, she reliably takes a nap about an hour after she gets up. That nap lasts between 30 minutes and two hours. However long it is, I am hopping in bed with her for it! I’m completely exhausted.
Welcome to My Baby’s Mind Mondays! If you’d like to participate, the url for the button is “http://averygoodyear.net/images/babysmindmondays.png” and I ask that you link it to “http://averygoodyear.net/?cat=192“. Leave a comment letting me know you’ve posted, and I’ll add a list of participants to the end of each weekly post. You can post about your 2 day old, your 2 year old, your 22 year old, your dog, the stray cat in your neighbourhood… whatever, if you call someone your baby, I want to know what you see when you peek into that mind!
Here’s the picture that inspired me this week:

Dear Mom,
Shouldn’t you be cooking instead of taking pictures of me?
I know, you’re super impressed that my hands are clasped together. THAT’S CRAZY! HOW AM I DOING THAT? Next thing you know, cats will be sleeping with dogs!
Really though, I copied it from you. Remember the other day when we were sitting on the couch together and you kept bringing your hands together, trying to show me how to do this? I caught on, I just didn’t want to let you know then. Gotta keep you on your toes. It’s cute though, huh?
I have to admit, I love spending time in the kitchen with you. I love watching you walk back and forth, I love that you show me every ingredient and tell me what it is, and I love that you talk to me about what you are doing. Someday we will be able to cook together! You’ll have to show me how to make cookies, since they are Daddy’s favourite.
Love,
Maia.