- RT @wilw: I made a Mitt Romney Venn Diagram: http://t.co/esspoq7p
- RT @wired: 33 Geeky Insults You Can Use Almost Anywhere http://t.co/FXzvcq18
- God I am so totally okay with that man.
A little sugar, a little spice
Published April 2, 2009 | 
Sometimes it just hits me square in the chest how much I love my little girl. Today it was as she nursed and laid there gazing up at me with her huge, dark eyes, and I sat watching her. Her eyes closed, slowly, and she drifted into sleep, still sucking now and then; when she released the latch, her lips were bright pink and still pursed, slightly parted, and it was all I could do not to lean down and smooch them, so I brushed her hair back from her ear instead… and she smiled.
Moments like that are so precious.
I made the decision to start pumping… sometime soon. Not that I want to switch to bottle-feeding exclusively, but Chris would like to be able to feed her (as would I), and I’d like to feel as though we can leave her with family for a few hours without worrying about a feeding crisis. Also, since we’re going to be travelling to Connecticut in the summer, being able to bottle feed may let us avoid some crying fits between rest stations.
I love the idea of my girl lying in my family’s arms, feeding from the bottle, giving them that same bright-eyed, adoring look that I am so blessed to receive daily.
And then they might just be privileged enough to receive the ear-piercing scream she gives off just when you think she’s actually going to sleep this time. HAH!
The drink hat!
Published March 25, 2009 | 
I am forever leaving my drink just out of arm’s reach while feeding Maia, and as I sit there dying of thirst and debating whether or not I should ask my husband to bring me the glass of water that’s literally five inches away from my outstretched fingertips, I wish I had one of these.
When I see you smile…
Published March 23, 2009 | Every baby develops at their own rate.
Maia hasn’t smiled at me (or anything) yet and it’s driving me crazy waiting on it to happen. I just want to feel rewarded for all this. I want to know she recognizes me socially. I want to see her dimple.
But she does sometimes respond vocally when we talk to her, which always thrills me!
PS: I so love her hair.
Shortie Updates
Published March 20, 2009 | I write blog posts in my head all day long. Unfortunately, since I’m usually dealing with Maia, they don’t get typed up. Typing with one hand while I hold her in the other is possible, but definitely not comfortable. Still, since she’s napping, here are a few of the things that have been going through my head lately:
- I wish I had a baby sling as well as my Baby Bjorn carrier. I love the Bjorn for short walks (doing laundry, taking the dogs out), but when she is extremely fussy and I just want to hold her against me, or when I want to eat and she wants to be held, I think a sling would be a better option.
- Where are all my burp cloths going? We have like six, and half the time I can only find the one that’s slung over the arm of the glider.
- As much as I love her, sometimes I just don’t want to hold her. Angry, flailing arms and legs pounding against me don’t hurt, but fuck, sometimes I just don’t want to be touched. When she’s been pissy for an hour and a half, randomly sc reaming in my ear, and I’ve been getting a workout trying to soothe her, it feels like a personal attack when her fist hits my throat. I know it isn’t, I know she has little to no control of her limbs, but I have to remind myself of that when my nerves are raw.
- There are still a few things about the birth that I want to write about, before I forget.
- She and Chris are bonding quite well. She’ll squirm when he tickles her, she is happy when she manages to grab onto his goatee, he can sing to her and she’ll settle (my singing does not seem to do this) — in fact, hilariously, he was singing the “whoooooa-oooo-ooo-ooo-ooo” from NKOTB’s “Hangin’ Tough” to her the other day and she was fascinated.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZusIOLDRs8]
- This is tough. Being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do, and while I know I couldn’t do any better at it than I already am, sometimes I feel inadequate. When my back hurts from carrying her around, I feel like I should be physically stronger. When I take an ibuprofen because taking care of her gives me a headache, I feel like I am a loser for taking that drug. I know that taking care of myself is just as important as taking care of her, but it’s still hard at times.
- I love her so damned much. Especially since her gassiness is settling down (and when it flares up, Little Tummys drops really help)!
Bananas?
Published March 16, 2009 | 
If what a mother eats can impact her breastfed baby’s digestion, then I think bananas may be our culprit. Now, I’ve only been keeping track of what I eat for three days now, but for three days I’ve had bananas and she’s had gas; yesterday I had two, and as I wrote, she was a mess yesterday. I know that I didn’t have bananas her first week here, and I don’t remember any incidents of crying because of gassiness then.
No more bananas, to test this theory out!
Who knew toots were so cute?
Published March 16, 2009 | Yesterday was the longest day of my life. Maia woke up at 8:30am and slept only for half an hour between then and 11:30pm, because she had brutal gas and just could not settle down. This also meant that she was in my arms all day long for comfort, and although I managed to squeeze in a few quiet minutes with her in her swing, bouncy chair, or in Daddy’s arms, for the most part I was lugging around my baby all day. Not such a bad thing in general, but a bit tougher when she’s screaming in my ear randomly. Physically, I was exhausted; mentally and emotionally, I felt worn out and abused. It’s so goddamned hard to see her in pain and not be able to do anything about it.
We’ve tried KOLIK brand gripe water — it doesn’t really work for her. Our midwife suggested some homeopathic remedy to give her “in case of a crisis” (which yesterday certainly qualified as), but we haven’t picked it up yet and I can’t tell you what it is because it’s written on a piece of paper in Chris’ wallet. We may try Mylicon or some other thing as well, because honestly, by the end of the day our nerves were so damned frazzled — Chris swore off ever having another child! — and I’ve never had to be so patient in my life (welcome to motherhood?). Massage techniques like running my hands down her bare belly repetitively, pumping her legs up to her stomach, and rubbing her tummy in circles would work well for a few minutes, but once they calmed her down and I picked her back up, she’d eventually get agitated again. Fortunately though, once she did fall asleep around 11:30pm, she was OUT for 5 hours, until Chris came to kiss us goodbye on his way to work.
Today is Chris’ first day back at work after his month of parental leave (which the government still has not paid him for at all… wtf?). So far, Maia’s been her NORMAL peaceful self, sleeping in until 11am. When she woke up, I put her in the Bjorn and we took the dogs out together, and she fell back asleep in it, and she’s sleeping in there now as I type this up. I swear this thing is a miracle worker (I tried it yesterday — she fell asleep and ten minutes later woke up crying from gassiness).
I had a dream last night that took place back in high school. And while it was surprisingly fun, at one point I saw someone with a baby and I got panicky: where’s Maia? I kept saying it over and over in my dream, growing increasingly hysterical, until finally I woke up — to see her lying there beside me, and I calmed down.
There are so many ups and downs involved in all this parenting stuff. Everyone says the first 6 weeks are the toughest with a newborn, and we’re through 4 of them. Really, if her digestive system would just hurry up and finish maturing, we’d be happy 100% of the time!
Month One
Published March 13, 2009 | Dear Maia,
Today you turn one month old, and I can’t believe you’ve only been here four weeks. It feels like you’ve always been a part of our life, as if we’ve known you forever; I really don’t remember what things were like when we didn’t have you here. And yet I still feel as if the past month has flown by, as if I just held you in my arms for the first time yesterday.
You’ve grown so much in the past month. Physically, you’re 10 lb and 13 oz already, which means you’ve put on a little more than 2 lbs since birth. You can hold your head up at a 45 degree angle when we give you tummy time, and you’ve even supported your head by itself when we hold you sitting up on our laps. You love to stare at the television anytime you can and will even swivel your head to watch it — so I’ve taken to turning off the television if you’re going to be facing it, and I’ll just read or look at you instead. You are so easy to watch; time passes in a daze when I sit and look at you.
Mentally, you are more aware of your surroundings. You are so interested in everything — except, it seems, the chihuahuas. They walk up to you and sniff you, and you look at everything other than them. This is okay, I figure, since soon enough you’ll learn how to grab at them (particularly their soft ears and long tails), and then I’ll have to teach you how to treat animals with love and kindness.
You have a very easy-going personality so far. You love to be held, but sometimes we can put you in your bouncy chair or swing and you’ll be happy just resting there. Funny enough, the harder we push the swing, the happier you are in it; I think this means that you will love to ride roller coasters with me while your daddy waits for us. You love car rides as well, even though you hate when we put you into your carseat when you’re awake… then we swing the carseat back and forth, and you calm right down.
Yesterday afternoon, you and I were laying on the couch to take a nap, but I wasn’t quite asleep. I was watching you. As usual, your face flickered with all of your beautiful expressions — the dimpled smile, the angry old man frown, the gassy furrowed brow, the angelic pursed and slightly parted lips that is probably your kissy face (and you are never allowed to make at a boy). And then you giggled. We had never heard that sound from you before, and when I looked up at your daddy he had a huge smile on his face to match my own. Then you giggled again! Daddy and I started to laugh with one another. I can’t wait until you start giggling regularly. The whole household will be filled with such joy.
Everyone in the family adores you, and you seem to enjoy visiting places. Sometimes you are hungry and it seems like you spend the entire visit feeding, but sometimes you are wide awake, being passed between people, and you seem happy to look at these new faces or even fall asleep against these new chests. I have to admit that after awhile I really want you back in my arms and I miss you, even when you are just a few feet away being held by someone else. Still, with you around, daddy and I are very excited about family get-togethers now.
You are an amazing little girl, and we are so delighted to have you in our life. I’ve never seen your daddy smile so much, and I’ve never been more in love with him. I didn’t know that bringing a baby into our world would make everything seem so much brighter. We love you desperately, and watching you grow up is going to be a blessing.
Happy one month birthday, Maia.
Love,
Mama.
One down, hundreds to go… ?
Published March 11, 2009 | We just finished our first full night of keeping Maia in the bed with us. I loved it! The first time she woke up, she kicked Chris to let him know she was hungry — I didn’t even look at the clock, I just latched her on and we fell back asleep within what felt like a minute or two. The second time, I picked her up so she could feed from the other side, and looked at the clock — we had been in bed for FOUR HOURS. So I decided she should probably have her diaper changed. Of course, this woke her up more and since she was gassy, we were up for an hour (this child is eternally, obnoxiously, and painfully gassy). But when we crawled back into bed, we slept for another 3 hours before she decided to wake up for what seems to be the final time for the night, and honestly, seven entire hours of sleep is pretty damned good (I still tried to soothe her back into sleep again tho!)
The problems I found were these: first, we were both soaking wet. I assume my boobs leaked all over her and me when she fell asleep while feeding. Second, lying on my side still bugs my left hip, regardless of which side I sleep on although it takes longer to be irritated when I’m on my right. Third, unless I roll her and myself around, she’s always going to be feeding off the same side when we’re in bed. This isn’t too big of an issue, except for the fact that I’m paranoid to have her lying anywhere other than between Chris and I, in the middle of the bed.
Still, I am looking forward to trying her in bed the whole night again and seeing if I can replicate last night’s success or even improve upon it. Chris is still asleep so I can’t ask him what he thought of it — hopefully he considers it as positive of an experience as I do.
All I think about anymore is sleep and poop
Published March 10, 2009 | In a stunning feat of sheer love, Maia has deigned to take an evening nap at a time convenient for me to make dinner, eat dinner, check blogs, take a long shower, and now type up this post. Clearly she is happy with me.
We’ve been co-sleeping again, because she sleeps well (and so do I) like that. Last week she stayed in the bassinet pretty much all week, except for daytime naps when she and I would snuggle in bed, but it really seems like during the last few days she just does not want to be away from her mommy and daddy. If she’s fussy and either of us picks her up, she quiets right down, snuggles up against us (or, okay, we pull her against us!), and falls right back asleep. Last night she got sleepy pretty late, around 1am, and I tried to lay her in the bassinet. She slept for about 15 minutes, then got fussy; Chris picked her up and took her out to lay on his chest on the couch, and they slept together there for awhile. I don’t remember him bringing her back into the bedroom or what time it was, but apparently I breastfed her and we fell asleep, because I woke up around 3:30am sitting against my headboard with Maia having slid down my front and sleeping sitting up between my legs with her head settled on my stomach. Hilarious!
So after another little feeding and changing her, I tried to put her back into the bassinet — no dice. FIVE TIMES IN A ROW I tried to put her back in the bassinet after she fell asleep in my arms, with limp limbs and calm, deep breaths to indicate she was truly asleep, but she kept waking up. Finally I rolled onto my side, laid her next to me, and fed her — after a very few sucks, she broke the latch and fell asleep, so I slept with her. And we slept for hours. It was beautiful.
Of course, right now she’s actually sleeping in her swing, after having fallen asleep in the Baby Bjorn. Maybe if I could stay awake after she falls asleep in the bed or on the couch with me, I could move her into the bassinet. (which I love — it’s this one) But really, the time when she’ll want to be in bed with us will be short (or the time that I’ll want her in bed with us!), and I might as well enjoy it.
Maia 1, Mama 0
Published March 9, 2009 | Maia is actually sleeping at the moment. I guess the trip to Wal-Mart and Sobey’s wore her out (God bless car rides).
A few hours ago, we had a minor meltdown chez moi, in which I pretty much lost my shit over the fact that she would cry any time one of us was not holding her — even when I’d soothe her to sleep, as soon as I laid her down, no matter how deeply asleep she was, she’d wake up. Finally I laid her in her bassinet, walked out, closed the door, and let her scream while I made and ate some lunch. I felt like an absolutely horrible person, knowing that if I just picked her up she’d be comforted and stop crying, but at the same time I don’t think it’s reasonable to hold my child 99% of her awake time.
Of course, when I finally finished as much of my lunch as I could stomach and went into the bedroom (I honestly can’t tell you how long she cried for, because it felt like forever, but since I had a PB&J sandwich for lunch it couldn’t have been that long) … I picked her up and we sat there sobbing quietly against one another, her head on my shoulder. Chris followed me and took her, which was good, because I needed a Kleenex.
We also tried a pacifier today for the first time. I really did not want to give it to her, but Chris, Maia, and I were all so frustrated with one another that I decided to give it a try. Our latch is pretty much perfected so far as I can tell, and using the pacifier would be a rarity anyhow. I got teary-eyed as Chris tried to get her to take the pacifier, and when she rejected it I felt so relieved — except for the fact that she got SO ANGRY over it not being a real nipple (she spit out the pacifier, screwed her face up so tightly that her lips went white, and screeeeeeamed), which then made me feel like a meanie for trying to deny my daughter her desires.
Phew. This parenting thing is tough.