We’re hitting a point where “avoiding temper tantrums” is becoming the theme of our days together with Maia.  I hate this.  She just wants to be carried everywhere, and it’s exhausting.  Sometimes she’ll sit in the grocery cart or want to walk beside us or whatnot, but the vast majority of the time it’s I WANT TO BE ATTACHED TO YOU MAMA.  We take her out to dinner and she spends the entire time in my lap, climbing on me.  What am I supposed to do?  Put her in a chair where she stands there screaming and shrieking and ruining everyone else’s dinner?  The easiest thing to do is leave her in my lap, even though it makes me miserable and doesn’t teach her a damned thing.

I took her out with me to buy dog food the other day.  I carried her from the car to the store, of course.  Then in the store, she wouldn’t let me put her down.  It didn’t matter that we were looking at rodents and birds and cats, things she was intrigued by; she wanted nothing to do with them if I wasn’t holding her.  She squatted there on the floor, glaring at me, shrieking like she was in the greatest pain imaginable, tears streaking down her angry red face.    I walked away down the aisle, and she still just sat there.  Screaming.  The entire store was looking at us.  Again, what am I supposed to do?  Ignore her until she follows me?  So she sits there making an unholy amount of noise and annoying everyone else?  I ended up having to carry her 20 lbs on one arm and the bulky 20 lb bag of dog food on the other.  And no, that wasn’t any more fun than it sounds like.

We just returned from taking the dogs out.  She wouldn’t let me set her down.  When I did put her down, so I could, you know, pick up dog shit, she sat there shrieking and sobbing, right outside of our apartment building, loudly enough that, yes, I caught at least two curtains flicked aside so people could peek out.  And this is USUAL for her at this point.

I guess my frustration lies in the fact that there are other people in this world whose feelings I don’t want to have to deal with.  I know that sounds completely ridiculous. I don’t want to care if my angry kid interrupts their dinner or their pet food shopping or their morning coffee.  I’m responsible for parenting, disciplining, and raising her.  Right now, because of my utter fear of inconveniencing other people, I’m inconveniencing myself and letting my child be in control of my life.  I don’t know if the solution is simply not to take her out anywhere until things are better, but I know that, again, doing that puts her in control.  So I do whatever I can to soothe her, all the while fuming inside and wondering just what kind of brattiness and bossiness I’m encouraging, what kind of out-of-control behaviour this coddling will lead to down the line, because I don’t know what the fuck else to do.

I want to hold her little baby hand when we’re walking across the parking lot.  I want her to romp around when we’re outside with the dogs.  I want her to sit in her chair and colour her little kids’ menu or play with the toys we bring to keep her distracted.  I don’t want to carry her everywhere.

I don’t know what to do.